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On March 11, we received a 3 day old baby at Beautiful Gate.  He was found in a trash bag.  Take a moment to think about that.  Someone placed their child in a trash bag and left them alone with no care or concern about what the outcome would be.  How many of us drive along the road and see Target or Meijer bags laying on the ground and think for even a second that there maybe a child in that bag?  How many of us keep driving, because we feel like whatever is in the bag must be trash and why would we want someone else's trash?  Now how many of you would look at another life and think the only thing they are worth is garbage?  Today I walked through Beautiful Gate's campus.  In one of my hands was a trash bag filled with this child's care items and in the other was his death certificate and health records. 

I can't even begin to express to you the emotions that are rising up within me.  There is grief over a 4 week old child whose life started with experiences that most people won't even believe happened or choose not to believe.  There is anger towards a hospital staff that showed nothing but apathy when we tried to figure out the what happened today.  There is concern and empathy for a care worker who gave everything she had to care for this child while they were in the hospital and tried everything she could to explain her concern to the nurses about the child's condition.  There is numbness and questioning God's plan in all of this.  There is pain...physical pain over the loss of another child. 

I know God said that he did not come to make life easy, but I never realized it would be this hard!  I have been here 2 and a half months, and I have experienced the death of four precious children.  I have had to open my heart up to other situations that are hard and come with no answers.  Sometimes I question where is the hope in all of this.  I want to be a beacon of hope to those here, but I feel like I am the one that may need a beacon of hope.  Where is the joy in the pain, because right now everything just plan hurts. 

I am not okay with the "way of life" in Lesotho.  I am not okay with children being thought of as trash and left for dead.  I am not okay with a hospital staff that does not show care.  Simply put, I am not okay and I am done telling people I am.  Life here is hard and it is full of grief.

For three weeks this child lived at Beautiful Gate and we cared and loved him.  When sickness and dehydration set in, we brought him to see a doctor and seek help.  We trusted that with some antibiotics and care, he would come back to us.  Today as I sat in a small break room with the doctor, BG nurse and Anita.  I listened as the doctor tried to explain to us what happened.  It hit me that the only record of this child's life is a page long chart on his health and a few pictures that we have taken.  It also hit me that many people around this world have seen a picture of his precious hand in the 12 Hands video, but his own family hasn't seen his hand since the day they put him in the bag.  This child didn't have anyone greeting them at the hospital when he was born or announcing his arrival on Facebook.  This child was not taken to a photographer for professional photos shortly after being born.  This child was put in a trash bag and abandoned.  The scary thing is that by God's grace he was found.  Right now, there are children who have been abandoned, but have not been found and they won't even have the health record or photos, and no one in the US, Canada, Sweden, England, Belgium or the Netherlands has seen their hand in a video, because we couldn't find them.

I am sorry if this post is too much to take and my emotions cause you sorrow, but I can't keep it in anymore.  Today I was reminded how precious life is and it hurts to think that the person that carried this child and gave birth to them doesn't even care that they are gone now.  It hurts to live a life where everyday I fear who will be next.  It hurts to live a life of wondering, should I attach myself to a child, because what if they get sick and have to go to the hospital.  Life simply hurts.

I want to bring joy and encouragement to my blog followers, but honestly, I have nothing right now.  I am weak.  I am empty.

Father, please hold this precious child in your arms.  Welcome him into eternity with the love and care he deserved from the start of his life.  May he be filled with an awe of you and who you are.  Thank you for trusting the staff at BG enough to care for him.  Thank you for giving us 3 weeks with him on our campus as a healthy newborn.  Father you said "Let the little children come to me" and because of that I know he is with you.  Please give the staff at BG strength to try and understand the why of this situation.  Please hold us close God and never let us go. Amen

 

(To clear up any confusion, for yesterday's blog post...This child was not the one that was staying with me and I was feeding.  He was the other child that we were told was improving.)