Friday, August 27, 2010

The Void

Ever since being home, I have been walking around with a void. I know God completes me and with Him guiding my way, I am not incomplete, but for some reason I have just felt like half a person. When I first got home, I called it "culture shock." Everyone warned me about how hard the transition was going to be and they were right it was hard, but I have been home a month and I still feel incomplete.

At first, it was when I was alone at home and surrounded by all the "stuff" of home that the feeling was very strong, but the past few weeks it has come up when when I am with others. The void has made my mind process things differently and because of that conversations I have had with people close to me have changed. On the outside I could be laughing, but my insides are very screwed up. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend about goals. I was able to say a few goals that I truly do have, but inside everything she said, my mind answered with "she isn't going to think your goal is good." or "how can I have a goal, because something inside of me is missing." I went home just feeling defeated. I feel like I can no longer have a conversation with my best friend without the lies of satan whispering in my ear. I feel like I can't even hang out with people, because an innocent conversation about nothing or everything, turns into me thinking something is really messed up in me. This void has made me want to distance myself from others.

Today I think I figured out what the void is. I miss serving others, every minute of every day. For 4 months, I was a mom, (the best form of a servant) I was the person that made the food, got kids dressed, played with them, taught them things, kissed their hurts and put them to bed. They ran to me for comfort, they got mad at me when I disciplined them, they wanted to play with me some days and other days wanted me no where near them. Today I took my 3 youngest nephews and niece with me while I ran some errands. It was so much fun to be out with kids and have people tell me how cute they are. On the way home, my 2 year old nephew fell asleep and would not wake up after I took him out of his car seat. He just snuggled in my arms and I felt the void get littler. I then knew what I was missing. I miss being a mom. I feel like part of me is gone, well 46 parts of me are gone actually. 46 parts that gave me purpose. I know some of you are know thinking, "is she going to adopt?" Not now. I LOVE adoption. I support adoption, and if God calls me down that road someday I will gladly walk the path. But if I adopted right now the child God gave me, would not fill the void I have.

Also since being home, I have jumped back into building relationships with the high school students at church and have become involved in some things that have allowed me to serve. I love serving. It makes my heart happy, but it doesn't fill the void.

This past Sunday I stood up in front of my church and challenged them to focus God's plan, to fix their eyes on the things that are not right in front of your face. We need to fix our eyes on what we cannot see, because that is what is eternal. (2 Cor 4) As I talked to them, I was also talking to myself. Right now I am journeying through a tough place, but I pray with expectation, that one day it will all make sense. One day I will understand the void that is in my heart. One day I will feel complete, and no human person can take that void away. Daily I have to remind myself that the void I am experiencing will only go away when I reach Heaven. I may try to fill the void with a person or a "project" but those things will not fill the void. The void is the fact, that I am not home. Heaven is my home and I will live in a void until my homecoming.

BUT I will live with JOY through the void, so more people can experience what TRUE love with our Father is all about. I choose to focus on the good through the days when the void is screaming at me and satan's lies are louder than God's whispers. I choose to walk in peace and in choosing this, I must be bold with my faith. I have to tell others that the voids that they may be walking through, are temporary. I must be bold and not shrink back.

I miss being a mom, I miss serving every second of everyday, but I know God has a plan and I am choosing to believe one day this feeling will go away and everything will make sense.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

loosing me

One thing my time in Africa taught me was the process of loosing myself. I have to tell you that the process of loosing yourself can't be done in 4 months, it is a daily process where you have to surrender the person you created yourself to be and embrace the one God created you to be. Loosing yourself allows God to be in control and requires trust.

One thing that really stuck out to me with the children at BG was how much they trusted you. When you picked them up to hug them, they would snuggle into your arms and not let go. They trusted you to care for them, love them and simply just be with them. Now, because of their past, a lot of the children had a need to fight to survive, even though at BG they were completely taken care of. It was in those children that you claimed a huge victory when they trusted you. They too, were in a process of loosing who they created themselves to be due to horrible circumstances, rather than who God created them to be. When they ran up to me and yell, "ausey Boostina...knuckles," and put their little fist up, I celebrated. It was in those moments, that I felt God smiling on me.

I pray that I can continue to loose myself to Him daily. Honestly, I am having more culture shock coming back home, than I did going to Africa. Daily I am learning to let go my sense to fight, look up at my Abba Father and say, "knuckles."