Trust

Job went through life with a lot of trials.  He had everything taken away from him, yet he still knew who God was.  His wife asked him  “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).  Looking back on my 3 months at BG, I can say I have endured multiple trials that have shaken me to my core.  I never imagined my time here would include the things I have faced.  I do not claim to be Job, but I know I need to learn from him.  When he faced things, he didn't question God's plan, like I have, he simply trusted.  Did he grieve for his losses?  YES.  Did his grieving and trials produce in him questions? YES.  Did he ever doubt God? NO.

Today we buried two babies.  Their graves are right next to the 3 babies we buried last month.  The dirt on the older graves is still fresh and like that dirt our wounds are still fresh.  Seeing the 5 white crosses lined up next to each other, made my heart sink.  These children had very short lives and if you ask me, their lives were too short.  But through the questions and pain, I keep reminding myself, that even though their lives were short, they mattered.  These children in their own way have taught me a lesson in trust.  They trusted us to feed them, clothe them, care for them and most importantly, love them.  Their lives mattered and I praise God that I got to be a part of them.  I praise God for the cuddles, the eye contact, the poopy diapers and the moments when I think they spit up (on me) more formula than they took in.  I praise God through the pain, that I got to be a part of their lives, no matter how long they were.

Today, Bryan spoke about love.  His voice was powerful and full of heart.  As he read many verses about God's love, I remembered the moments I had with God shortly after coming here.  I felt the amazing love that God had for me.  It is easy to feel God's love when things are going the way you feel they should.  It is much harder to feel God's love when they are not.  Bryan read, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39).  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard these verses in my life.  During the funeral today, I felt God was telling me to look at these verses this way...

Who shall separate me from the love of Christ?  Shall severe poverty, disease, apathy, infant morality, child abandonment, HIV, cultural differences or moments of fear?  As it is written" 'For your sake we face death all day long.  The cemeteries are too full and are only growing as more and more bodies are placed in the ground.'  No, in all things, God has given me the power to face these things and overcome them, all because he loves me.  Nothing can separate me from God's love.  5 wooden crosses and tiny caskets cannot separate me from His love.  Questioning His plan and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, cannot separate me from His love. NOTHING in this world, NOTHING in this journey, NOTHING in this mission, NOTHING can separate me from God's love.

I am not saying I have everything figured out, because that is the furthest thing from the truth.  I am not saying my heart doesn't hurt anymore because of the things I have experienced, because that is a lie.  What I am saying is that with each day, I am learning to trust God, even when things don't make sense.  I turned my back to the graves today when the men started filling them with dirt.  Even with my back turned the tears flowed down my face, because of the sound the dirt makes on the casket.  It is a loud, heavy thud that echoes throughout every ounce of my body.  I hate that sound, but I know that sound will not separate me from God's love.  I know the doubts I may have will not separate me from His love, because in doubting, my faith grows deeper.  To be honest, I am not sure how I could have journeyed these past 3 months without God.  I am not sure how to explain life without the hope I have in Him.  In my flesh, I cry out to Him and ask for an answer to the questions.  In my flesh I want to be angry at God for the things that I have seen and experienced.  But in my heart, I can't be angry at God, because He grieves too.  He grieves deeply for the babies we have buried.  He grieves deeply for the children who we care for because they have been abandoned. 

He grieves and because of that grief, He loves.

 

October 2009 to present

I have been trying to blog for the past few days, but I found myself opening a new post and questioning everything I wanted to write.  Last week my body, heart, mind and spirit became weak, tired and worn out.  I have always heard "time heals" but that is not the case for me right now.  The longer I sit and think about everything, the more it just hurts.  Part of me wants to push through and just try to forget the pain, but then I know that at some point it will have to come out and the more I stuff down, the more the pain grows.

In 2009, I came to Africa on a "selfish" mission trip.  I wanted to get away from being a youth director and experience something new.  Haven had been supporting BG for awhile and I loved the stories I would hear from those involve, so I joined a short term trip.  One of the jobs on the trip was to build a memorial wall for the children that had passed away.  I remember thinking the wall seemed so big.  There were under 30 name plates on the wall and they were so spaced out.  When I got here in January there were 34 names on the wall.  34 children who were resting in the arms of Jesus.  34 children who were given life and love while at BG.  My heart breaks knowing that 5 more name plates need to be made and added to the wall.  They no longer are spread out and the wall no longer looks too big.  39 children are now resting in the arms of Jesus.

This weekend my friends and I went away to try and breath a little.  I felt a little guilty leaving, but I knew I needed to step away and be still with God.  We went to the same mountains that I had gone to in 2009.  It was so good to be there with Anita and see how our two trips connect again.  We laughed, hiked and saw the God's creation in the mountains and waterfalls.  As great as the mountains were, coming back my heart sank to reality.  The break was really only a Band-Aid that helped for awhile, but the pain and hurt are still there. 

Since January, I feel like I have experienced things that have but big scars on my heart.  I would love to write that I am seeing God in all of the pain, but I can't say that yet.  I know God is here, but the pain hurts too much to feel the joy He gives.  Each morning I wake up and want to focus on the events of the day with new energy, but then I get out of bed and I am tired.  I keep trying to sing and believe these words...

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn, my prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn, even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn, I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn, so, heaven come and flood my eyes
(Worn by Tenth Avenue North)

As I type this, the sun is shining in Lesotho and our maintenance guys just left to go dig 2 graves for tomorrow's funeral.  It is hard to fully embrace the sun in moments like this.  It is hard to feel the joy when all you feel is grief.  Everyday I strive to find the joy in the little moments like the laughter of a child or an unexpected hug from a friend.  I want to look at the children who are playing on the playground with joy, instead of wondering who will be the next to leave us.  On Monday we put our grief on the shelf and we celebrated the completion of an adoption.  It was good to see the joy in that moment.  I do have moments when I laugh and smile and experience the joy, but always aching in my body is the grief of the past months.  I want to be able to take a DEEP breath again without feeling the tears in my eyes.

In 2009, my team's prayer was to have God break our hearts for the things that break His.  I feel like God is continuing to do this to me and I wonder how much more I can break.  I feel like my heart will never come back together and the scars will always run deep. 

Please pray for BG. 
Pray for the funeral of 2 babies tomorrow. 
Pray our children will continue to grow healthy and we can stop planning funerals and start planning more adoption ceremonies. 
Please pray for me and my heart, that I would be able to take a deep breath of God's peace.

Worn

Thank you all for your prayers, notes of encouragement and support through another tough week at BG.  All week long people have been asking me how I am doing, and I really could never answer.  Last night, Anita and I shared our hearts with each other and as we sat and talked through our emotions, I felt God's peace.  It still hurts and my heart is still heavy, but I choose not to journey this life without the hope I have in Christ.  Next week we will bury two precious babies who were able to spend their life with us.  What a privilege to have experienced their life on earth.

For those of you that know me well, you know that a lot of times, music is how I feel I connect with God and my emotions. Tenth Avenue North's song "Worn" best described how I feel right now.

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Please take some time tonight and listen to the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM&sns=fb) and then pray for our staff that may see God's redemptive plan through the hurt. 

**Just a note, I will be unplugging Saturday and Sunday and spending sometime in the mountains.

"Are you ready?"

During the last few weeks before I came to Lesotho, a lot of people would ask me, "Are you ready?".  Of course, in my excitement and flesh, I would say, "Yes, this is my fifth trip.  I feel like I know what to expect."  I laugh now at that statement.

All of my life I have pictured missionaries who are brave and ready for anything.  They know the Bible by heart and can use it in any situation to bring God's hope.  I saw them as people that were never shaken when a bad situation occurred.  I saw them as people who would have large crowds of people assembling around them, so they could preach the gospel and lead many people to Christ every week.  I saw them as strong people of the faith who were never shaken in their faith.  According to my definition and attributes of a missionary, I can say I am not a missionary. 

During the past 3 months, I have been shaken and I can honestly say I was not ready, but the thing is I am not sure if anyone can ever be ready or prepared for the journey.  Yes I knew the culture, the job, the organization, but that does not prepare you.  My heart was not prepared to bury 5 children in 3 months time.  My heart was not prepared for hearing a staff member's wails after she finds a baby who has died in their sleep.  My heart was not prepared to have children clinging to me as their biological family argues over who will care for them.  I was not prepared to have to hide out with the same children as the social workers tried to iron things out.  I was not prepared to reunify children with family members, who only wanted them for the money they thought they would get.  I was not prepared for a hospital staff, that does not care for their patients.  I was not prepared for children who are so malnourished that when you pick them up and hold them in your arms, you feel every bone and joint in their body.  I was not prepared to look into the eyes of a child and see so much pain and fear.  I was not prepared for a country that chooses not to be aware of the crisis that is taking over their land.  I was not prepared for the corruptness of some of the people.  I was not prepared to have my faith shaken to the point where I question the plan of God.  I was not prepared for this journey...

I am struggling through a lot of situations here in a very deep way.  I no longer get angry for the situations around me, I grieve them.  I no longer get surprised by the children's stories of how they were abandoned, I weep for them.  Last night I was snuggling with the little boy I am feeding.  As I held him in my arms, and listened to music, I wanted to cry out to God, but I didn't have the strength.  I wanted to physically cry, but I couldn't.  I wanted to yell and be angry, but I couldn't.  I wanted to be sorry for myself but I couldn't, because this precious child has endured way more than I have in my lifetime and he is only 5 months old.  This week I have gotten messages of encouragement and hope from people and they have spoken to my heart and I am very grateful for them.  I saved them, because I feel I need to read them again in order to receive their message.  This morning I laid in bed and felt the weight of the world on me before I even stepped out of the bed.  I deeply wanted to be able to process the things in my heart and mind, but when I open up my mouth I didn't know any word that describes how I am feeling.  This morning I longed for someone to just hold me.  I wanted to feel someone's arms wrapped around me in love.  I wanted to know that there is hope in this and there is love.  I know God is holding me and BG right now, but I needed to physically feel it.  For many years, I felt like I have been living in brokenness.  I have to say that my definition of brokenness is different after walking through the past few months.  I was not prepared for the tragedy my life would walk through right after getting off the plane.

Through everything, I do see moments in which I was grateful that I was not ready for.  I was not ready to be a part of a team that truly cares and loves for each other beyond the job they do.  I was not ready to walk this journey with a friend and sister who feels what I do, so I don't have to be ashamed of my fears and doubts.  I was not ready for the amount of love that I receive from the children.  I was not ready for the amount of trust the children give me.  I was not ready to walk through this journey and feel God's unending love through the smile of a child.  I was not ready for this...

Everyday God places situations in my path that I need to deal with no matter if I am ready or not.  At the end of the day, God doesn't care if I have lead thousands to Christ, or have created world peace.  What God cares about is that I face each situation holding onto His hand, just like the children at BG face life holding mine.  What God does care about is that through each situation and conversation, I look at the person whom I am talking with and I listen to them with the compassion of Christ.  What God does care about is that as I walk this journey, I walk through it knowing I am not alone and that I am part of a team and larger community that is here to journey with me.  What God does care about is that I don't need to hide my emotions from those around me, because I feel I want to serve them more than realizing what is going inside my heart.  What God does care about is that I know it is Him to controls the finances at BG and no matter how many hours I work in a week or how many videos I make and presentations I do, He already knows who will give to help the children here and I don't have to feel responsible for all of it.  What God does care about is that at the end of the day I was obedient to Him.

I am working through my new definition of a missionary, but I still don't see myself as one.  Each day I pray I can show Christ to those I meet and be obedient to every situation God puts in front of me, even if I am not ready for them.

Show Us Your Face

I am not even sure how to write this blog post.  Monday morning shortly after 2:30am, there was a knock on my door. "Terp, a baby just died."  All I remember is saying the words "ANOTHER ONE!" I usually am the person people go to in times of trouble.  God has given me the gift of compassion and because of that I try to use it in every situation.  Yesterday, when I stepped out of my front door, I heard the screams and cries from a mother who lost her child.  Was she the child's biological mother? No, but she was a mother in mourning.   I froze in my steps and couldn't move.  There are no words to describe what went on during the next few hours.  The heartache and emotions are indescribable, but I will try to share one part of the story.  As the nurse and I along with other house moms were trying to calm the mother down, the nurse looked at me and said, "I want you to sing praise songs to fill this house with God."  My heart sank even deeper.  How am I suppose to sing?  What song do I sing?  I took a few deep breathes and opened my mouth and God supplied the songs.  Did I believe the words that were coming out of my mouth?  If I am honest with you, I didn't.  I wrestled with disbelief over the loss of another baby.  I wrestled with praising God during a time of deep grief.

All day yesterday I felt like a wet noodle.  I had no strength but I had the other children and staff to think about.  I focused on them and tried to go on with the day.  At lunch time, the social worker asked if I would drive her to a village to drop off 2 of our girls with their aunt who was going to raise them.  I agreed, and was also a little excited, because on our way back from the village we were going to pick up the little boy I had been feeding at night from the hospital. 

The drive was long and I learned a lot about the social welfare system and how things work.  When we got to the village, I got out of the car and felt extremely heavy.  I didn't know why, but all I wanted to do was get in the car and drive away.  The aunt and grandmothers were there, but they had changed their minds, they didn't want the children anymore.  Why you ask? Because the mother showed up and they didn't trust her.  The meeting was very hard.  There was yelling and it didn't matter that is was in Sesotho, because their body language said it all.  After about an hour of talking, the social worker asked me to take the girls to a lodge down the road and sit there until she came.  She gave me directions and said make sure you sit inside the lodge, you will be safe there.  I have to say, I was a little nervous by her words and tone, but I knew she was serious and knew I had to find whatever strength was left in my body from the days events and do it.  So the girls and I went to the lodge and sat.  The employees at the lodge had many questions about why a white person had 2 Basotho girls.  They wondered why I had to be there and not with the chief of the village.  There wondered how people could abandon their children.  At one point I was surrounded by 5 employees who all had questions.  I sat there with 2 scared girls on my lap and tried to answer them.  I was given the opportunity to speak to them about BG and everything we did.  After some time, the social worker came back and had some good news.  The girls were going back to BG and the family was releasing their rights.  This means they are available now to be adopted. 

When I got home, I sat on my bed and just stared at the wall.  I had nothing in me.  I wanted to cry, but couldn't.  I wanted to scream and break something, but I didn't have the strength.  I wanted to be able to laugh, but the sorrow was too heavy.  I sat and thought about loosing 2 precious babies within a 24 hour period.  I thought about the village and the conflict that I witnessed.  I thought about the 2 young girls who clung to me with all they had, while we were at the village and the lodge.  I thought about singing through the numbness.  I opened up my bible to my favorite Psalm and just kept reading it over and over.  I wanted to believe the words with all that was in me, but I literally had no strength to do so.  All I could do was pray that God understood my pain, questioning and heartache.  I hoped that as He lost His Son, He would join me in the grief. 

I pray that He will show His face to BG right now.  We need His love to wrap around us, the campus, the staff and the children.  We need His Face.

PSALM 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation—
    whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
    of whom shall I be afraid?

When the wicked advance against me
    to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
    who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
    my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
    even then I will be confident.

 

One thing I ask from the Lord,
    this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
    all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
    and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
    he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
    and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted
    above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
    I will sing and make music to the Lord.

 

Hear my voice when I call, Lord;
    be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”

Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
    do not turn your servant away in anger;
    you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
    God my Savior.

Though my father and mother forsake me,
    the Lord will receive me.
Teach me your way, Lord;
    lead me in a straight path
    because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
    for false witnesses rise up against me,
    spouting malicious accusations.

I remain confident of this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Untitled

On March 11, we received a 3 day old baby at Beautiful Gate.  He was found in a trash bag.  Take a moment to think about that.  Someone placed their child in a trash bag and left them alone with no care or concern about what the outcome would be.  How many of us drive along the road and see Target or Meijer bags laying on the ground and think for even a second that there maybe a child in that bag?  How many of us keep driving, because we feel like whatever is in the bag must be trash and why would we want someone else's trash?  Now how many of you would look at another life and think the only thing they are worth is garbage?  Today I walked through Beautiful Gate's campus.  In one of my hands was a trash bag filled with this child's care items and in the other was his death certificate and health records. 

I can't even begin to express to you the emotions that are rising up within me.  There is grief over a 4 week old child whose life started with experiences that most people won't even believe happened or choose not to believe.  There is anger towards a hospital staff that showed nothing but apathy when we tried to figure out the what happened today.  There is concern and empathy for a care worker who gave everything she had to care for this child while they were in the hospital and tried everything she could to explain her concern to the nurses about the child's condition.  There is numbness and questioning God's plan in all of this.  There is pain...physical pain over the loss of another child. 

I know God said that he did not come to make life easy, but I never realized it would be this hard!  I have been here 2 and a half months, and I have experienced the death of four precious children.  I have had to open my heart up to other situations that are hard and come with no answers.  Sometimes I question where is the hope in all of this.  I want to be a beacon of hope to those here, but I feel like I am the one that may need a beacon of hope.  Where is the joy in the pain, because right now everything just plan hurts. 

I am not okay with the "way of life" in Lesotho.  I am not okay with children being thought of as trash and left for dead.  I am not okay with a hospital staff that does not show care.  Simply put, I am not okay and I am done telling people I am.  Life here is hard and it is full of grief.

For three weeks this child lived at Beautiful Gate and we cared and loved him.  When sickness and dehydration set in, we brought him to see a doctor and seek help.  We trusted that with some antibiotics and care, he would come back to us.  Today as I sat in a small break room with the doctor, BG nurse and Anita.  I listened as the doctor tried to explain to us what happened.  It hit me that the only record of this child's life is a page long chart on his health and a few pictures that we have taken.  It also hit me that many people around this world have seen a picture of his precious hand in the 12 Hands video, but his own family hasn't seen his hand since the day they put him in the bag.  This child didn't have anyone greeting them at the hospital when he was born or announcing his arrival on Facebook.  This child was not taken to a photographer for professional photos shortly after being born.  This child was put in a trash bag and abandoned.  The scary thing is that by God's grace he was found.  Right now, there are children who have been abandoned, but have not been found and they won't even have the health record or photos, and no one in the US, Canada, Sweden, England, Belgium or the Netherlands has seen their hand in a video, because we couldn't find them.

I am sorry if this post is too much to take and my emotions cause you sorrow, but I can't keep it in anymore.  Today I was reminded how precious life is and it hurts to think that the person that carried this child and gave birth to them doesn't even care that they are gone now.  It hurts to live a life where everyday I fear who will be next.  It hurts to live a life of wondering, should I attach myself to a child, because what if they get sick and have to go to the hospital.  Life simply hurts.

I want to bring joy and encouragement to my blog followers, but honestly, I have nothing right now.  I am weak.  I am empty.

Father, please hold this precious child in your arms.  Welcome him into eternity with the love and care he deserved from the start of his life.  May he be filled with an awe of you and who you are.  Thank you for trusting the staff at BG enough to care for him.  Thank you for giving us 3 weeks with him on our campus as a healthy newborn.  Father you said "Let the little children come to me" and because of that I know he is with you.  Please give the staff at BG strength to try and understand the why of this situation.  Please hold us close God and never let us go. Amen

 

(To clear up any confusion, for yesterday's blog post...This child was not the one that was staying with me and I was feeding.  He was the other child that we were told was improving.)

Saturday Hospital Trip

Thank you all for your prayers last week.  Culture shock is not easy, but loving these kids is.  In the moments when I am overwhelmed I need to remember that I am not called to save the whole world, I am just called to love the children and staff that God has placed in my path.  I pray as I journey here I can be obedient to that.

Today Anita and I went to the hospital to check on our three children that our there.  When we have a child at the hospital, we are required to have a staff member with them at all times.  Because of this, one of the things we do is bring the staff members fruits, juice and snacks while they are there.  Today Anita and I went and I was so excited when she asked me to go with her.  Our trips to the hospital mean so much to me.  On our drive, we get some time to talk with each other about life.  We also laugh a lot and sing a lot!!!  During the rides we get to let go and just be friends rather than feeling the pressures of our jobs.  At the hospital we get updated on the child's condition and then pray over them and the staff member.  I feel it is a small thing, but I know it means so much to the staff.  When we walk into the room, their faces light up.  I have been there so many times, that the nurses now stop what they are doing and greet me.  At times I am embarrassed by it because I feel like they are placing me on a pedestal, because I am American and visiting their hospital.  All I want to do is see our kids become healthy enough that they an get out of there and back at BG.  If that means I have to go there everyday until I leave here, to encourage our staff and the other patients around them, I will do it.

Two of our children are doing well.  They both need to put on weight and improve with the separate illnesses they have, but I am confident they will be with us again soon.  One of these children is the little boy who I had been feeding during the night.  It was SO good to see him again and see his amazing smile.  He may be malnourished and sick, but he has so much life and joy in his tiny, little body.

The third child that is there is very sick.  She is in the ICU and is fighting multiple illnesses.  Anita and I had to go in separately to visit her and we were told not to touch her because of our germs.  She has a lot of tubes and wires hooked up to her and is sedated, because yesterday she pulled out her respirator.  It was so hard to see such a beautiful child of the King so sick.  I reached my hand over her bed and prayed out loud.  I didn't care who heard me, because I had to place this child in Jesus' hand.  Because she is in ICU, we do not have to have a staff person with her.  Even if we did assign someone there, they would not be able to be in her room, so the little interaction we had with her was all she gets.  I wish I could have stayed there longer, to pray or even bring the guitar.  I believe worship is healing.

It is hard to see such little children so sick and without contact with other people.  About 30 minutes away from my house in Michigan is one of the best children's hospitals in the nation.  The care and attention they give their patients is amazing!!!  I wish I could take some of the doctors and nurses from Lesotho and show then the care they could be giving their patients.  The culture here is so hard.  Because infant morality is high and disease rages through this land, people are afraid to become attached to their children because they feel they will die.  Some of them give their children bad names, because they feel if they give their child a good name they might die.  Instead of naming your child sunshine, or light, they name their children darkness. 

Please be in prayer for the people of Lesotho.  Pray they may see that children are amazing treasure and should be treated well.  Pray they will leave the ways of their ancestors behind them and they will see that their children are the future of Lesotho and without the proper care and love, they will not be able to lead Lesotho to a brighter future.

Also be in prayer for our children and staff at the hospital.  Days there are long, tiring and sometimes without hope.  BUT we serve a God who is a HOPE messenger and He will deliver.  I pray that every time I step foot into the hospital, I can be a beacon of hope to those I see.

Unedited post

Sunday it hit...the dreaded culture shock.  It seemed all day long, nothing I did went as planned and everything around me set me off.  I kept thinking, in Michigan "this" wouldn't be this hard.  I was able to hold it together until the end of the night.  That is when the only thing I could do was cry.  Why was I crying you may ask?  Honestly, I didn't know, but it was the only thing that I could do.

To say I am feeling overwhelmed right now, would be an understatement.  The funny thing is, the things that I would normally be overwhelmed with are comfort to me.  I love being able to curl up in my bed and do homework, or sit for 8 hours straight and produce a video.  These things are easy.  These things I can control.  What I can't control is what overwhelms me!

I love the children at BG.  My heart breaks for what they have walked through, but the overwhelming truth is that they are just kids.  They love to play, laugh, be mischievous, eat and actually take a nap.  Tonight I went and snuggled with one of my little guys.  I love how whenever I walk into his house, he smiles and his eyes shine.  After holding him for awhile, I put him down and saw 4 other pairs of eyes looking at me.  How could I not spend time with each of them too? So I did.  I snuggled and prayed over each child.  Then I walked out of the room and there were 11 other pairs of eye looking at me.  I made sure to hug each child, saying a little pray for each before I walked out of the house.  As I started making my way home, I kept thinking how could I do that for just one house, when we have four.  So I visited the other three houses, hugging and praying for each child.  When I got home, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that even though I just prayed and hugged all of the children, what about the house moms, the care staff, the office staff, the maintenance staff, etc.  Then I thought about the other care centers in Lesotho and their children and the children who have been abandon and are just waiting for someone to find them.  It seems that no matter how love much I give, there is always someone else who needs some love as well.

I love what I do at BG.  I love the staff, the children and the team I serve with, but all too often, I wonder if I am doing enough.  I wonder if I am I giving enough hugs, if I am saying enough prayers, if I am showing those in my path how much God loves them through my actions.  All this is overwhelming and honestly sometimes makes me want to hide and act like I don't know what is going on outside my bedroom.  It all is overwhelming, but it is life.  All over the world there are children whose childhood is stolen from them.  There are people who long to be loved, but seek it in ways that only destroy them.  There are people who are hurting over the loss of a loved one and don't know how to live life with the hole in their heart.

I pray that through every hug, snuggle and prayer, I can bring hope to those I met.  I hope that my heart and body will work together to reach out to those that need an extra amount of God's love.  And I hope that God will fill me with His strength to walk this journey, because my human strength is not enough.

PRAYER REQUESTS
1) The little guy I and others have been feeding is still in the hospital.  Please pray that whatever disease his body is fighting, he can overcome it and return to us.

2) We also have a 3 week old baby that is in the hospital as well.  Pray for him that he can fight the cold he has and return to us.

3) Tomorrow, we will celebrate a "gotcha" day here at BG.  Please pray that for the child and parents who will meet each other.  Pray that their hearts are ready to become a family and that their lives are ready for the adventure God has planned.

Update

Update:

For 5 nights I had a precious baby boy in my house, who is very malnourished.  Each night I would feed him multiple times and pray that through every drop of formula he would grow.  The nights were long and didn't contain a lot of sleep, but they were worth it.  After a very rough night on Friday, the nurse decided we should take him into the hospital.  He was admitted and is currently there, but the good news is he is improving.

I had a lot of time to think last week while I was up a lot at night.  At one point in the week, I was feeling very down, because I felt like everything I was trying to do, was not getting done.  I saw my "to-do" list growing, but had no energy to accomplish it.  I was talking with a friend and she asked me what was really important in life, my "to-do" list of videos and fund raising, or the baby boy I was caring and praying for?  Sometimes you need to hear the simple truth, to be reminded about why you are doing what you do. 

Last week, it didn't matter how many videos I made or what work I did on the 5K events or how many presentations I scheduled.  The only thing that matter was that this precious boy was being fed and our staff was getting a break from having to feed him all night long.  Today I am back to working through my "to-do" list, but I am trying not to let the stress of how long it is get to me.  Things will get done when they need to.

Please continue to pray for him as he is growing.  Also pray for the staff at BG, that God will continue to strengthen them with energy and stamina as they care for the many children we have here.

God is good and we are claiming His truths and promises for all our kids!!!

I'm Still Alive

Hey everyone.  I am still alive.  I know it has been a while since my last blog post.  Life is FULL here.  We have a team from California here right now.  As busy as a team is, I LOVE IT!  Introducing people to BG and watching their hearts become open to the children is a pretty awesome thing, and I don't use the word awesome lightly.  I think some times people think everything is awesome, but I am learning the true meaning of awesome.  If something is awesome to you, you stand in awe of it.  I have had some pretty awesome moments the past few weeks.

Since I already mentioned the team, I will start with them.  The team is mostly high school and junior high students.  It truly is awesome to see high school boys running around the play area with children crawling all over them.  It is pretty awesome to see them building relationships with the community kids through a soccer game.  For example, today we took them on a fun day away from campus.  When I got back to BG, I put my things away and then went to check on the children.  Some of the students were in the houses feeding the children, not because they were told to, but because they wanted to help.  Seeing people love on the children that I love makes me stand in awe.

Also, the video I made about the 12 new children, has put me in complete awe.  It is awesome to see other people, from many different countries using it as a tool to help these precious children.  I am humbled by the gift God has given me for the videos and I give Him all the praise for what is being done with them.

Another "awe" moment I have is with the team of people I serve with.  Bryan and Anita, not only are great directors of this place, but they truly have hearts of service.  They reach out to so many people with the love that God has reached out to them with.  It is am honor to serve with them and bring joy to other people.  There are so many moments throughout the day in which I sit back and wonder what I did to be so lucky to serve on an amazing team.  It is awesome.

Friends, God is so good.  He is the one thing that is truly AWESOME. Everyday I stand in awe of Him and the love and joy He has given to me.  May His name ALONE be praised.

I have one prayer request to tell you about.  We have a child at BG who is very malnourished.  He has been with us for a while, and just can't seem to fight whatever is going on in his body.  Tonight, myself, the nurse and the house mothers are starting "Mission: Fatten Him Up."  I will be doing the feedings throughout the night, and the house mothers will be doing the day time ones.  This is to give them a break from everything else they do at night, without the pressures of his high needs.  When I was here in 2010, I did the same thing with another boy, and he is now very healthy and living in Canada.  I pray this new mission has the same result.  Thank you for praying.

Search for the awesome moments in your life and worship God in them.