"Are you ready?"

During the last few weeks before I came to Lesotho, a lot of people would ask me, "Are you ready?".  Of course, in my excitement and flesh, I would say, "Yes, this is my fifth trip.  I feel like I know what to expect."  I laugh now at that statement.

All of my life I have pictured missionaries who are brave and ready for anything.  They know the Bible by heart and can use it in any situation to bring God's hope.  I saw them as people that were never shaken when a bad situation occurred.  I saw them as people who would have large crowds of people assembling around them, so they could preach the gospel and lead many people to Christ every week.  I saw them as strong people of the faith who were never shaken in their faith.  According to my definition and attributes of a missionary, I can say I am not a missionary. 

During the past 3 months, I have been shaken and I can honestly say I was not ready, but the thing is I am not sure if anyone can ever be ready or prepared for the journey.  Yes I knew the culture, the job, the organization, but that does not prepare you.  My heart was not prepared to bury 5 children in 3 months time.  My heart was not prepared for hearing a staff member's wails after she finds a baby who has died in their sleep.  My heart was not prepared to have children clinging to me as their biological family argues over who will care for them.  I was not prepared to have to hide out with the same children as the social workers tried to iron things out.  I was not prepared to reunify children with family members, who only wanted them for the money they thought they would get.  I was not prepared for a hospital staff, that does not care for their patients.  I was not prepared for children who are so malnourished that when you pick them up and hold them in your arms, you feel every bone and joint in their body.  I was not prepared to look into the eyes of a child and see so much pain and fear.  I was not prepared for a country that chooses not to be aware of the crisis that is taking over their land.  I was not prepared for the corruptness of some of the people.  I was not prepared to have my faith shaken to the point where I question the plan of God.  I was not prepared for this journey...

I am struggling through a lot of situations here in a very deep way.  I no longer get angry for the situations around me, I grieve them.  I no longer get surprised by the children's stories of how they were abandoned, I weep for them.  Last night I was snuggling with the little boy I am feeding.  As I held him in my arms, and listened to music, I wanted to cry out to God, but I didn't have the strength.  I wanted to physically cry, but I couldn't.  I wanted to yell and be angry, but I couldn't.  I wanted to be sorry for myself but I couldn't, because this precious child has endured way more than I have in my lifetime and he is only 5 months old.  This week I have gotten messages of encouragement and hope from people and they have spoken to my heart and I am very grateful for them.  I saved them, because I feel I need to read them again in order to receive their message.  This morning I laid in bed and felt the weight of the world on me before I even stepped out of the bed.  I deeply wanted to be able to process the things in my heart and mind, but when I open up my mouth I didn't know any word that describes how I am feeling.  This morning I longed for someone to just hold me.  I wanted to feel someone's arms wrapped around me in love.  I wanted to know that there is hope in this and there is love.  I know God is holding me and BG right now, but I needed to physically feel it.  For many years, I felt like I have been living in brokenness.  I have to say that my definition of brokenness is different after walking through the past few months.  I was not prepared for the tragedy my life would walk through right after getting off the plane.

Through everything, I do see moments in which I was grateful that I was not ready for.  I was not ready to be a part of a team that truly cares and loves for each other beyond the job they do.  I was not ready to walk this journey with a friend and sister who feels what I do, so I don't have to be ashamed of my fears and doubts.  I was not ready for the amount of love that I receive from the children.  I was not ready for the amount of trust the children give me.  I was not ready to walk through this journey and feel God's unending love through the smile of a child.  I was not ready for this...

Everyday God places situations in my path that I need to deal with no matter if I am ready or not.  At the end of the day, God doesn't care if I have lead thousands to Christ, or have created world peace.  What God cares about is that I face each situation holding onto His hand, just like the children at BG face life holding mine.  What God does care about is that through each situation and conversation, I look at the person whom I am talking with and I listen to them with the compassion of Christ.  What God does care about is that as I walk this journey, I walk through it knowing I am not alone and that I am part of a team and larger community that is here to journey with me.  What God does care about is that I don't need to hide my emotions from those around me, because I feel I want to serve them more than realizing what is going inside my heart.  What God does care about is that I know it is Him to controls the finances at BG and no matter how many hours I work in a week or how many videos I make and presentations I do, He already knows who will give to help the children here and I don't have to feel responsible for all of it.  What God does care about is that at the end of the day I was obedient to Him.

I am working through my new definition of a missionary, but I still don't see myself as one.  Each day I pray I can show Christ to those I meet and be obedient to every situation God puts in front of me, even if I am not ready for them.