Trust

Job went through life with a lot of trials.  He had everything taken away from him, yet he still knew who God was.  His wife asked him  “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” (Job 2:9).  Looking back on my 3 months at BG, I can say I have endured multiple trials that have shaken me to my core.  I never imagined my time here would include the things I have faced.  I do not claim to be Job, but I know I need to learn from him.  When he faced things, he didn't question God's plan, like I have, he simply trusted.  Did he grieve for his losses?  YES.  Did his grieving and trials produce in him questions? YES.  Did he ever doubt God? NO.

Today we buried two babies.  Their graves are right next to the 3 babies we buried last month.  The dirt on the older graves is still fresh and like that dirt our wounds are still fresh.  Seeing the 5 white crosses lined up next to each other, made my heart sink.  These children had very short lives and if you ask me, their lives were too short.  But through the questions and pain, I keep reminding myself, that even though their lives were short, they mattered.  These children in their own way have taught me a lesson in trust.  They trusted us to feed them, clothe them, care for them and most importantly, love them.  Their lives mattered and I praise God that I got to be a part of them.  I praise God for the cuddles, the eye contact, the poopy diapers and the moments when I think they spit up (on me) more formula than they took in.  I praise God through the pain, that I got to be a part of their lives, no matter how long they were.

Today, Bryan spoke about love.  His voice was powerful and full of heart.  As he read many verses about God's love, I remembered the moments I had with God shortly after coming here.  I felt the amazing love that God had for me.  It is easy to feel God's love when things are going the way you feel they should.  It is much harder to feel God's love when they are not.  Bryan read, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39).  I cannot tell you how many times I have heard these verses in my life.  During the funeral today, I felt God was telling me to look at these verses this way...

Who shall separate me from the love of Christ?  Shall severe poverty, disease, apathy, infant morality, child abandonment, HIV, cultural differences or moments of fear?  As it is written" 'For your sake we face death all day long.  The cemeteries are too full and are only growing as more and more bodies are placed in the ground.'  No, in all things, God has given me the power to face these things and overcome them, all because he loves me.  Nothing can separate me from God's love.  5 wooden crosses and tiny caskets cannot separate me from His love.  Questioning His plan and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, cannot separate me from His love. NOTHING in this world, NOTHING in this journey, NOTHING in this mission, NOTHING can separate me from God's love.

I am not saying I have everything figured out, because that is the furthest thing from the truth.  I am not saying my heart doesn't hurt anymore because of the things I have experienced, because that is a lie.  What I am saying is that with each day, I am learning to trust God, even when things don't make sense.  I turned my back to the graves today when the men started filling them with dirt.  Even with my back turned the tears flowed down my face, because of the sound the dirt makes on the casket.  It is a loud, heavy thud that echoes throughout every ounce of my body.  I hate that sound, but I know that sound will not separate me from God's love.  I know the doubts I may have will not separate me from His love, because in doubting, my faith grows deeper.  To be honest, I am not sure how I could have journeyed these past 3 months without God.  I am not sure how to explain life without the hope I have in Him.  In my flesh, I cry out to Him and ask for an answer to the questions.  In my flesh I want to be angry at God for the things that I have seen and experienced.  But in my heart, I can't be angry at God, because He grieves too.  He grieves deeply for the babies we have buried.  He grieves deeply for the children who we care for because they have been abandoned. 

He grieves and because of that grief, He loves.