October 2009 to present

I have been trying to blog for the past few days, but I found myself opening a new post and questioning everything I wanted to write.  Last week my body, heart, mind and spirit became weak, tired and worn out.  I have always heard "time heals" but that is not the case for me right now.  The longer I sit and think about everything, the more it just hurts.  Part of me wants to push through and just try to forget the pain, but then I know that at some point it will have to come out and the more I stuff down, the more the pain grows.

In 2009, I came to Africa on a "selfish" mission trip.  I wanted to get away from being a youth director and experience something new.  Haven had been supporting BG for awhile and I loved the stories I would hear from those involve, so I joined a short term trip.  One of the jobs on the trip was to build a memorial wall for the children that had passed away.  I remember thinking the wall seemed so big.  There were under 30 name plates on the wall and they were so spaced out.  When I got here in January there were 34 names on the wall.  34 children who were resting in the arms of Jesus.  34 children who were given life and love while at BG.  My heart breaks knowing that 5 more name plates need to be made and added to the wall.  They no longer are spread out and the wall no longer looks too big.  39 children are now resting in the arms of Jesus.

This weekend my friends and I went away to try and breath a little.  I felt a little guilty leaving, but I knew I needed to step away and be still with God.  We went to the same mountains that I had gone to in 2009.  It was so good to be there with Anita and see how our two trips connect again.  We laughed, hiked and saw the God's creation in the mountains and waterfalls.  As great as the mountains were, coming back my heart sank to reality.  The break was really only a Band-Aid that helped for awhile, but the pain and hurt are still there. 

Since January, I feel like I have experienced things that have but big scars on my heart.  I would love to write that I am seeing God in all of the pain, but I can't say that yet.  I know God is here, but the pain hurts too much to feel the joy He gives.  Each morning I wake up and want to focus on the events of the day with new energy, but then I get out of bed and I am tired.  I keep trying to sing and believe these words...

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn, my prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn, even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn, I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn, so, heaven come and flood my eyes
(Worn by Tenth Avenue North)

As I type this, the sun is shining in Lesotho and our maintenance guys just left to go dig 2 graves for tomorrow's funeral.  It is hard to fully embrace the sun in moments like this.  It is hard to feel the joy when all you feel is grief.  Everyday I strive to find the joy in the little moments like the laughter of a child or an unexpected hug from a friend.  I want to look at the children who are playing on the playground with joy, instead of wondering who will be the next to leave us.  On Monday we put our grief on the shelf and we celebrated the completion of an adoption.  It was good to see the joy in that moment.  I do have moments when I laugh and smile and experience the joy, but always aching in my body is the grief of the past months.  I want to be able to take a DEEP breath again without feeling the tears in my eyes.

In 2009, my team's prayer was to have God break our hearts for the things that break His.  I feel like God is continuing to do this to me and I wonder how much more I can break.  I feel like my heart will never come back together and the scars will always run deep. 

Please pray for BG. 
Pray for the funeral of 2 babies tomorrow. 
Pray our children will continue to grow healthy and we can stop planning funerals and start planning more adoption ceremonies. 
Please pray for me and my heart, that I would be able to take a deep breath of God's peace.