Monday, April 4, 2011
A Year Ago
There are some days when it feels like I left for Africa yesterday and there are some days when I feel like it happened 10 years ago, but the fact is, I left for Africa April 7, 2010. The past few weeks I have been reflecting a lot about my time at Beautiful Gate. While there I learned one very important lesson...Jesus is enough for me. While caring for the children, I saw joy. While seeing those who have NOTHING, I saw joy. While having everything striped away, I experienced joy. Joy that you can't describe unless you have walked through it. Joy that came with the pain of caring for a child that just wouldn't eat and was extremely thin, or caring for a child that spent their first 3 days of life at the bottom of a 6 foot deep toilet pit. But it was also a joy that came with seeing 10 children united with their family. Seeing 10 moms meet their kids and watching them love them. Joy that comes, when that child eats, or when the scares from the bugs and feces have healed. Joy that can only come through the Father. Living in Africa and proclaiming that Jesus is enough for me is just one side of the story, another huge side is coming home and discovering life is completely different and finding yourself questioning again, is Jesus enough. Since being home I have walked through a lot of journeys that brought pain, confusion and joy. Since being home, I have walked a journey similar to the one I experienced in Lesotho. You see, since being home, I feel like I have been striped away of everything that seemed right, again. There were no more children calling out my name every morning. No more children expecting me to make them breakfast, get them dress and play with them. No more children to look for me when they got hurt and needed someone to hold them. Also, since being home, relationships are different. I experienced it right away, but was hoping it would change. I feel distant from people that I was extremely close with. I feel alone in a large group of people and try to find away out of social gathering I used to crave to be invited to. In Africa, it was easy for me to say that Jesus was enough, because He was all I had. When I returned home, it got harder to experience God the way I did in Lesotho and because of that I became distant from the purpose of my four months in Africa. I became distant from God. Then something happened, I got sick. I started feeling bad in September, but didn't want to alarm anyone, so I toughed it out until I couldn't anymore and on January 12, I walked into Holland Hospital and had surgery, but also had some work done on my heart. God striped away relationships, and he striped away health and the chance to give birth to my children and I believe he wanted me to be reminded of the questioned he asked in Africa. "Am I enough for you?" My answer is Jesus, you are more than enough. So here I am a year later and I am still journeying. I still have days when my arms feel so empty and I feel like a hypocrite handing out a $5 beverage at work, when there are millions of children dying from dirty water. There are moments when my heart is so heavy and I feel so alone, that I just can't breathe, but then God's still voice comes in and some how I know it will be okay. When Jesus appear to Mary Magdalene after the resurrection, she was so excited. I imagine she felt like life was going to be like it was. Jesus was back and his ministry would begin again. But He had other plans. Life wouldn't be like it was, He was not going to stay this time, but His ministry would go on. His ministry lives through you and me. Every time you smile at someone, you share God's love. Every time you comfort someone, you share God's compassion. Every time you take a moment and realize you are not in control and the person who is, is telling you everything will be okay, you are saying, "Jesus, you are enough for me." Life has been different the past year. In everything I know Jesus is more than enough and I know that life will never be like it was before I left for Africa. Even though there are moments when I feel completely alone and question what is next, I am trusting that God has a plan, because I know...Jesus is enough.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
New Life
Lately I have been thinking about "new life." You see, I have 2 big changes that are going to happen to me in the month of January, that will bring a lot of newness to my routine and outlook on life.
First, for the past few months I have had some health concerns arise. I have been able to "semi" hide it, but for the past 2 weeks that is not the case. I will try and make this short. 3 and a half years ago I had a large cyst on one of my ovaries that had to be surgically removed. I was told because of my age and health, that there was only a 10% chance it would come back. 2 years later, I found myself in the 10% and had another one just as big removed, but once again was told, I should be fine. A few months ago, I felt another one coming back. Because of some insurances issues, I had to wait a little while before I could have it checked out. My original doctor was very full and couldn't see me until February, so I did a lot of research and changed doctors. Monday I had an appointment with him and God's peace filled the room. He did some tests and we sat down for an hour and talked through my family history, my health history and my options. We both agreed that the best way to treat my case was to do a hysterectomy. I know it sounds pretty extreme, but if you have seen me the past 2 weeks you could tell the amount of pain I was living in and I was done with it. So surgery is schedule for January 12.
When I tell people about the surgery, they usually feel very sorry for me. I have to be honest, I am doing really well right now. God's peace has filled my heart and I know that this is best. I am sure there might be a day when all I want to do is destroy something, because of the brokenness I feel, but until then, I am living in the peace that surpasses our "flesh" thinking. People have been asking how it makes me feel, knowing I will never physically give birth to a child. The only thing I can say is that it makes me sadder thinking of the 46 kids I left at Beautiful Gate, some of whom are still waiting for their families, than for me to not physically have a child. Looking with my "big picture" eyes, I can see that one of the many reasons I spent 4 months in Africa was to see and become passionate about the beautiful picture of adoption. I will never have a child grow inside of me, but there are 46 kids who live in my heart, that I would love to find homes for.
Another change, is that I am going back to school. WHAT?!?!? I know shocking. I never liked school and studying never came easy for me, but God has placed some passions in my heart and I need to learn how to put them into practice. I will attending Grace Bible College pursuing my bachelor's degree in Church Leadership and Ministry. For many years, I always felt lead to youth ministry, but since being back from Africa, I am feeling directed in a different way. What that is I am not exactly sure of, but I pray these classes will help me discover that.
Good thing all my classes are online, because school starts 2 weeks after my surgery and the only thing I will be wearing at that point are very comfy clothes.
I appreciate all your prayers support through these changes. The best thing I have learned through the past few weeks (and years) is that we may go through changes, but Jesus never changes. He is the same today as He was the day I was born. He is the same today as He was when I was a mom in Africa and He will be the same when I walk through surgery and the long hours of studying. God is good...ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May you rediscover the goodness and newness of Christ this Holiday season!!!!!!
First, for the past few months I have had some health concerns arise. I have been able to "semi" hide it, but for the past 2 weeks that is not the case. I will try and make this short. 3 and a half years ago I had a large cyst on one of my ovaries that had to be surgically removed. I was told because of my age and health, that there was only a 10% chance it would come back. 2 years later, I found myself in the 10% and had another one just as big removed, but once again was told, I should be fine. A few months ago, I felt another one coming back. Because of some insurances issues, I had to wait a little while before I could have it checked out. My original doctor was very full and couldn't see me until February, so I did a lot of research and changed doctors. Monday I had an appointment with him and God's peace filled the room. He did some tests and we sat down for an hour and talked through my family history, my health history and my options. We both agreed that the best way to treat my case was to do a hysterectomy. I know it sounds pretty extreme, but if you have seen me the past 2 weeks you could tell the amount of pain I was living in and I was done with it. So surgery is schedule for January 12.
When I tell people about the surgery, they usually feel very sorry for me. I have to be honest, I am doing really well right now. God's peace has filled my heart and I know that this is best. I am sure there might be a day when all I want to do is destroy something, because of the brokenness I feel, but until then, I am living in the peace that surpasses our "flesh" thinking. People have been asking how it makes me feel, knowing I will never physically give birth to a child. The only thing I can say is that it makes me sadder thinking of the 46 kids I left at Beautiful Gate, some of whom are still waiting for their families, than for me to not physically have a child. Looking with my "big picture" eyes, I can see that one of the many reasons I spent 4 months in Africa was to see and become passionate about the beautiful picture of adoption. I will never have a child grow inside of me, but there are 46 kids who live in my heart, that I would love to find homes for.
Another change, is that I am going back to school. WHAT?!?!? I know shocking. I never liked school and studying never came easy for me, but God has placed some passions in my heart and I need to learn how to put them into practice. I will attending Grace Bible College pursuing my bachelor's degree in Church Leadership and Ministry. For many years, I always felt lead to youth ministry, but since being back from Africa, I am feeling directed in a different way. What that is I am not exactly sure of, but I pray these classes will help me discover that.
Good thing all my classes are online, because school starts 2 weeks after my surgery and the only thing I will be wearing at that point are very comfy clothes.
I appreciate all your prayers support through these changes. The best thing I have learned through the past few weeks (and years) is that we may go through changes, but Jesus never changes. He is the same today as He was the day I was born. He is the same today as He was when I was a mom in Africa and He will be the same when I walk through surgery and the long hours of studying. God is good...ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May you rediscover the goodness and newness of Christ this Holiday season!!!!!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
The Void
Ever since being home, I have been walking around with a void. I know God completes me and with Him guiding my way, I am not incomplete, but for some reason I have just felt like half a person. When I first got home, I called it "culture shock." Everyone warned me about how hard the transition was going to be and they were right it was hard, but I have been home a month and I still feel incomplete.
At first, it was when I was alone at home and surrounded by all the "stuff" of home that the feeling was very strong, but the past few weeks it has come up when when I am with others. The void has made my mind process things differently and because of that conversations I have had with people close to me have changed. On the outside I could be laughing, but my insides are very screwed up. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend about goals. I was able to say a few goals that I truly do have, but inside everything she said, my mind answered with "she isn't going to think your goal is good." or "how can I have a goal, because something inside of me is missing." I went home just feeling defeated. I feel like I can no longer have a conversation with my best friend without the lies of satan whispering in my ear. I feel like I can't even hang out with people, because an innocent conversation about nothing or everything, turns into me thinking something is really messed up in me. This void has made me want to distance myself from others.
Today I think I figured out what the void is. I miss serving others, every minute of every day. For 4 months, I was a mom, (the best form of a servant) I was the person that made the food, got kids dressed, played with them, taught them things, kissed their hurts and put them to bed. They ran to me for comfort, they got mad at me when I disciplined them, they wanted to play with me some days and other days wanted me no where near them. Today I took my 3 youngest nephews and niece with me while I ran some errands. It was so much fun to be out with kids and have people tell me how cute they are. On the way home, my 2 year old nephew fell asleep and would not wake up after I took him out of his car seat. He just snuggled in my arms and I felt the void get littler. I then knew what I was missing. I miss being a mom. I feel like part of me is gone, well 46 parts of me are gone actually. 46 parts that gave me purpose. I know some of you are know thinking, "is she going to adopt?" Not now. I LOVE adoption. I support adoption, and if God calls me down that road someday I will gladly walk the path. But if I adopted right now the child God gave me, would not fill the void I have.
Also since being home, I have jumped back into building relationships with the high school students at church and have become involved in some things that have allowed me to serve. I love serving. It makes my heart happy, but it doesn't fill the void.
This past Sunday I stood up in front of my church and challenged them to focus God's plan, to fix their eyes on the things that are not right in front of your face. We need to fix our eyes on what we cannot see, because that is what is eternal. (2 Cor 4) As I talked to them, I was also talking to myself. Right now I am journeying through a tough place, but I pray with expectation, that one day it will all make sense. One day I will understand the void that is in my heart. One day I will feel complete, and no human person can take that void away. Daily I have to remind myself that the void I am experiencing will only go away when I reach Heaven. I may try to fill the void with a person or a "project" but those things will not fill the void. The void is the fact, that I am not home. Heaven is my home and I will live in a void until my homecoming.
BUT I will live with JOY through the void, so more people can experience what TRUE love with our Father is all about. I choose to focus on the good through the days when the void is screaming at me and satan's lies are louder than God's whispers. I choose to walk in peace and in choosing this, I must be bold with my faith. I have to tell others that the voids that they may be walking through, are temporary. I must be bold and not shrink back.
I miss being a mom, I miss serving every second of everyday, but I know God has a plan and I am choosing to believe one day this feeling will go away and everything will make sense.
At first, it was when I was alone at home and surrounded by all the "stuff" of home that the feeling was very strong, but the past few weeks it has come up when when I am with others. The void has made my mind process things differently and because of that conversations I have had with people close to me have changed. On the outside I could be laughing, but my insides are very screwed up. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend about goals. I was able to say a few goals that I truly do have, but inside everything she said, my mind answered with "she isn't going to think your goal is good." or "how can I have a goal, because something inside of me is missing." I went home just feeling defeated. I feel like I can no longer have a conversation with my best friend without the lies of satan whispering in my ear. I feel like I can't even hang out with people, because an innocent conversation about nothing or everything, turns into me thinking something is really messed up in me. This void has made me want to distance myself from others.
Today I think I figured out what the void is. I miss serving others, every minute of every day. For 4 months, I was a mom, (the best form of a servant) I was the person that made the food, got kids dressed, played with them, taught them things, kissed their hurts and put them to bed. They ran to me for comfort, they got mad at me when I disciplined them, they wanted to play with me some days and other days wanted me no where near them. Today I took my 3 youngest nephews and niece with me while I ran some errands. It was so much fun to be out with kids and have people tell me how cute they are. On the way home, my 2 year old nephew fell asleep and would not wake up after I took him out of his car seat. He just snuggled in my arms and I felt the void get littler. I then knew what I was missing. I miss being a mom. I feel like part of me is gone, well 46 parts of me are gone actually. 46 parts that gave me purpose. I know some of you are know thinking, "is she going to adopt?" Not now. I LOVE adoption. I support adoption, and if God calls me down that road someday I will gladly walk the path. But if I adopted right now the child God gave me, would not fill the void I have.
Also since being home, I have jumped back into building relationships with the high school students at church and have become involved in some things that have allowed me to serve. I love serving. It makes my heart happy, but it doesn't fill the void.
This past Sunday I stood up in front of my church and challenged them to focus God's plan, to fix their eyes on the things that are not right in front of your face. We need to fix our eyes on what we cannot see, because that is what is eternal. (2 Cor 4) As I talked to them, I was also talking to myself. Right now I am journeying through a tough place, but I pray with expectation, that one day it will all make sense. One day I will understand the void that is in my heart. One day I will feel complete, and no human person can take that void away. Daily I have to remind myself that the void I am experiencing will only go away when I reach Heaven. I may try to fill the void with a person or a "project" but those things will not fill the void. The void is the fact, that I am not home. Heaven is my home and I will live in a void until my homecoming.
BUT I will live with JOY through the void, so more people can experience what TRUE love with our Father is all about. I choose to focus on the good through the days when the void is screaming at me and satan's lies are louder than God's whispers. I choose to walk in peace and in choosing this, I must be bold with my faith. I have to tell others that the voids that they may be walking through, are temporary. I must be bold and not shrink back.
I miss being a mom, I miss serving every second of everyday, but I know God has a plan and I am choosing to believe one day this feeling will go away and everything will make sense.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
loosing me
One thing my time in Africa taught me was the process of loosing myself. I have to tell you that the process of loosing yourself can't be done in 4 months, it is a daily process where you have to surrender the person you created yourself to be and embrace the one God created you to be. Loosing yourself allows God to be in control and requires trust.
One thing that really stuck out to me with the children at BG was how much they trusted you. When you picked them up to hug them, they would snuggle into your arms and not let go. They trusted you to care for them, love them and simply just be with them. Now, because of their past, a lot of the children had a need to fight to survive, even though at BG they were completely taken care of. It was in those children that you claimed a huge victory when they trusted you. They too, were in a process of loosing who they created themselves to be due to horrible circumstances, rather than who God created them to be. When they ran up to me and yell, "ausey Boostina...knuckles," and put their little fist up, I celebrated. It was in those moments, that I felt God smiling on me.
I pray that I can continue to loose myself to Him daily. Honestly, I am having more culture shock coming back home, than I did going to Africa. Daily I am learning to let go my sense to fight, look up at my Abba Father and say, "knuckles."
One thing that really stuck out to me with the children at BG was how much they trusted you. When you picked them up to hug them, they would snuggle into your arms and not let go. They trusted you to care for them, love them and simply just be with them. Now, because of their past, a lot of the children had a need to fight to survive, even though at BG they were completely taken care of. It was in those children that you claimed a huge victory when they trusted you. They too, were in a process of loosing who they created themselves to be due to horrible circumstances, rather than who God created them to be. When they ran up to me and yell, "ausey Boostina...knuckles," and put their little fist up, I celebrated. It was in those moments, that I felt God smiling on me.
I pray that I can continue to loose myself to Him daily. Honestly, I am having more culture shock coming back home, than I did going to Africa. Daily I am learning to let go my sense to fight, look up at my Abba Father and say, "knuckles."
Saturday, July 31, 2010
leap of faith
I can't thank you all enough for everything you have done for me. Your support both financially and spiritually showed me how BIG my God is!!!
I have been home for five days now. I have to say it is weird. Things are in the same place, but everything feels different. Things I enjoyed doing, I no longer do. I love being with my family and friends again, but I also miss the children at BG. I love being home, but I am learning that home is different.
When leaving for BG, I saw this as a leap of faith, quitting my job, leaving home, friends, family and going to serve in Africa. Since being home, I have realized each day we have here on earth is a leap of faith. You don't have to go across the world for God to stretch you. You can hear Him right here. God has a path and plan laid out for each of us and us choosing to trust Him in all things is a huge leap of faith.
Yesterday a friend of mine was given news that requires a "leap of faith" attitude. As I talked to her yesterday and today, her faith is her anchor. The odds are against her, but she knows how big her God is. (To read more of her story visit her blog http://www.verbeekblog.com/) PLEASE join me in praying for a miracle for Lindy, Dustin, Brooklyn, Maxwell and Samantha!!
The children at BG, taught me so much about trust and love. I will never forget the way their hands naturally held mine wherever we went. I will never forget that by just picking up a crying baby and holding them close you could feel them relax. I will never forget the sound of 30 children yelling, "ausey boostina, ausey boostina." They all have the "leap of faith" attitude, without even knowing it. Some of them have fought to survive and they have won!!
I have so many cherished memories at BG. I loved my 4 months there. God gave me a gift by allowing me to go and serve. I didn't serve, as much as I took in from the people around me. May God receive the glory the great things HE did in Lesotho.
Everyday is leap of faith...where is God calling you to trust Him and jump?
I have been home for five days now. I have to say it is weird. Things are in the same place, but everything feels different. Things I enjoyed doing, I no longer do. I love being with my family and friends again, but I also miss the children at BG. I love being home, but I am learning that home is different.
When leaving for BG, I saw this as a leap of faith, quitting my job, leaving home, friends, family and going to serve in Africa. Since being home, I have realized each day we have here on earth is a leap of faith. You don't have to go across the world for God to stretch you. You can hear Him right here. God has a path and plan laid out for each of us and us choosing to trust Him in all things is a huge leap of faith.
Yesterday a friend of mine was given news that requires a "leap of faith" attitude. As I talked to her yesterday and today, her faith is her anchor. The odds are against her, but she knows how big her God is. (To read more of her story visit her blog http://www.verbeekblog.com/) PLEASE join me in praying for a miracle for Lindy, Dustin, Brooklyn, Maxwell and Samantha!!
The children at BG, taught me so much about trust and love. I will never forget the way their hands naturally held mine wherever we went. I will never forget that by just picking up a crying baby and holding them close you could feel them relax. I will never forget the sound of 30 children yelling, "ausey boostina, ausey boostina." They all have the "leap of faith" attitude, without even knowing it. Some of them have fought to survive and they have won!!
I have so many cherished memories at BG. I loved my 4 months there. God gave me a gift by allowing me to go and serve. I didn't serve, as much as I took in from the people around me. May God receive the glory the great things HE did in Lesotho.
Everyday is leap of faith...where is God calling you to trust Him and jump?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
See you Later
So I just put all the kids to bed for the last time. It was pretty hard. I decided to say goodbye to them tonight, instead of in the morning, so I wouldn't feel so rushed. One of the boys told his house mother he wanted me to sleep with him tonight, since I was going to America in the morning. I got into his cot, but there wasn't enough room for him, so he kicked me out.
Friday I was taking the children for a walk outside of BG. One of the older girls found it really fun to take her foot and slam it down on the dirt road to make a definite footprint. I decided to join her and after a few minutes all of the children were doing it. It made me think what footprint did I leave in Lesotho? What part of God's bigger plan did I play? I am not really sure, but I do know that Lesotho, BG and the people I have met have made a huge imprint on my heart and I will never be the same.
Tomorrow I start the long journey back, but I pray someday I will be back to BG and Lesotho. I pray I can take others with me and introduce them to the beautiful people that are here. Anyone up for a trip with me?
Please pray for a safe journey back home. I leave here at 5am (Michigan time) and if everything goes according to plan, I will land in GR Tuesday at 1pm. Some of you have asked if you could meet me at the airport. You are more than welcome too. I will be having a quiet night with my family after the airport, but you all are invited to see me at the airport. Your prayers and support have been a HUGE asset to this "leap of faith" and I would love to celebrate with all of you!!!
Love and Hugs from Lesotho!!!
Friday I was taking the children for a walk outside of BG. One of the older girls found it really fun to take her foot and slam it down on the dirt road to make a definite footprint. I decided to join her and after a few minutes all of the children were doing it. It made me think what footprint did I leave in Lesotho? What part of God's bigger plan did I play? I am not really sure, but I do know that Lesotho, BG and the people I have met have made a huge imprint on my heart and I will never be the same.
Tomorrow I start the long journey back, but I pray someday I will be back to BG and Lesotho. I pray I can take others with me and introduce them to the beautiful people that are here. Anyone up for a trip with me?
Please pray for a safe journey back home. I leave here at 5am (Michigan time) and if everything goes according to plan, I will land in GR Tuesday at 1pm. Some of you have asked if you could meet me at the airport. You are more than welcome too. I will be having a quiet night with my family after the airport, but you all are invited to see me at the airport. Your prayers and support have been a HUGE asset to this "leap of faith" and I would love to celebrate with all of you!!!
Love and Hugs from Lesotho!!!
A new face
I would just like to take a moment and introduce you to one of the newest members of the BG family. She is approximately 6-9 months old and was found in a forest alone. She is a very quiet girl, but since coming to BG has improved a lot, by making eye contact with people, acknowledging when someone calls her name and letting everyone know when she is ready to eat.
The director of BG gave her the name Christina.
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