Happy Resurrection Day friends! Paseka E Monate!!
It has been long time since I blogged, and it isn't because there hasn't been anything going on in my life. It truly was because I couldn't find words for it all. I could have never planned the almost 10 months. When I stepped off the plane from Lesotho in May, I knew life was going to change, but I had know idea how my heart was going to react to it all. The past 7 months really have been moments of deep grief, confusion, joy, guilt, celebration, mourning. I could go on and on. I knew God had called me to leave Beautiful Gate, and I knew the transition to life in America was going to be tough, but when you mix that with the loss of your best friend, it was all too much at times. For me, everything in life is different and I do honestly mean everything.
My day to day activity...different.
The cloud of sadness and loneliness and new-ness made everything I looked at different. I always told people, imagine packing up a bag and leaving for a long period of time. While you were gone, no one ever went in your house and moved things around, so everything was exactly where you left it, but when you walked into the room everything felt out of place. That has been life for me since September 15, when Lynette entered eternity with Jesus. I deeply miss my person. There really are no words for it. I also deeply miss BG and the children and my relationships in Lesotho. For a long time, I felt like where ever I went, I was walking around naked. My emotions, thoughts, feelings, everything was on display and I just wanted to hide. I will be honest, there were many times I did hide and I was completely okay with it. There were also many times I would lie to people when they asked me how I was. The truth be told, I didn't know how to explain how I was and because of that I just said I was okay, but my insides were yelling, "I am not okay!!! I am not okay!!! My arms are not holding precious children. My person/best friend is gone. Every job I apply for I get turned down. I am not okay!"
In January I started a new job at the Holland Rescue Mission. It was the 25th job I applied for since being home. I don't know about you all, but when you get told 24 times that you were not what someone was looking for, you start feeling like you will never be what someone is looking for. Again through the whole journey, I would say I was fine and God had a plan, but honestly, I questioned His plan everyday. But then when I started at the Mission, I started to see things come together. I can honestly say there have been many days when I say that God and Lynette must have had a conversation about what job He was going to give me, because my role at the Mission is exactly what she wanted for me. By having a routine again and something to get out of bed for again, I started to see hope through the grief. There still were and are moments I want to hide and there not a day goes by when I do not miss Lynette deeply and want her back, but my grief is different now. I am learning to breath and do what Lynette told me to do. You see, Lynette gave me clear instructions a week before she past away on what I was to do with my life. She knew I was struggling and I now know the Lord used her to speak exactly what I needed to hear. As we drove home from what became our last doctor's appointment together, she grabbed my hand and in between some long shallow breaths she said "Terp when I die, you can be sad, please, be sad. But don't be sad too long, because people need Jesus." She then gave me some instructions on how I was going to serve her in her last days. Looking back now at that moment, I know it was God speaking to me through Lynette. There was no way she could have known that was our last time together just her and I while she was still able to speak.
Seven months later, I have hit a point where I am starting to do what she said. Today as we celebrate our RISEN KING, I am able to do so, knowing that because of His death, Lynette and I will be reunited again. Because of Christ's journey to the cross, my friends in Lesotho and I will one day sit at His feet together and do life. Because of Resurrection Day, I no longer need to hide what emotion I am feeling, because the tomb is empty and Christ conquered it all. The last seven months for me have been learning how to live again. Anne Lamont puts it this way. "You will lose someone you can't live without and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with a limp."
I am learning to dance with a limp, because the tomb where Jesus was laid is empty! Are there still days I want to hide? Yes. Are there still days I want nothing more than to see Lynette and go on a car ride? EVERYDAY, in fact. But I am learning that people need Jesus and I need to introduce them to Him, so through my limp and unsealed heart, I step out to love, to serve and to point people to the cross. Why, because no matter who you are, or what your journey has been like, we all need Jesus.
"Death could not hold you.
The veil torn before you.
You silenced the boast of sin and grave.
The Heavens are roaring the praise of your glory.
For you are raised to life again.
You have no rival.
You have no equal.
Now and forever our God reigns.
Yours is the kingdom. Yours is the glory.
Yours is the name above all names."
(What a Beautiful Name it is)