breathing amongst the heaviness

About a month ago, I led an IF:Gathering in Lesotho missionary women serving here. It was a great 2 days of seeking God's face and accepting the many promises He has for me. Through the speakers and times of prayer, healing and renewed strength was given to those attended. One thing I have discovered about hosting the weekend is that satan was pretty ticked off. Leading up to the event there were a few situations when fear and doubt filled my heart and mind due to conversations with others. The fears were never about the IF weekend, but about my personal mission. Ever since the weekend, there have been more things that have occurred that have caused confusion, anger and hurt about the path God has me on. It seemed wherever I turned there were moments of spiritual warfare and I wasn't prepared for it. Because of everything that was going on I decided to take some time over the past 2 weeks and try to relax in God's presence. Above all I needed to soak up the promises He has for me. I needed to believe again. I needed to fall in love with my first love, because He seemed so distant from me. To put it plainly, I needed to start listening to the words I was using to encourage others and believe them for myself.

The first promise that I kept praying for was to know and believe that even though He felt distant, God never has left me. He is always with me and has His arms of loved wrapped around me. Even though I felt so alone with the things going on, I wasn't. I pictured God sitting on His throne, holding me in His arms, like a Father holds a child.

The second promise I needed to embrace was that the attacks I was feeling were not just happening to me. I pictured Christ standing before me and all the fiery arrows that were hitting my heart went through Him first. Even though the situations hurt me, they took His life, even though I felt like no one understood the pain, He was there bleeding with me, gasping for breath and desiring to have it finished as well. Yes the arrows hit me and they hurt, but He trusted me with the pain knowing that it would only deepen my faith in Him. 

The past few weeks haven't been easy and I haven't reacted well to the spiritual and emotional hurt that I was experiencing. Instead of clinging to the promises and seeking joy for the freedom they brought, I clung to old sins. Because of old sins, I struggled with relationships. Because of relationships, I struggled with trust. Because of trust, I struggle with God.

I will be honest, things have been heavy since IF, but there has never been a moment that I didn't doubt that the weekend needed to occur. There has never been doubt that God didn't use it to show Himself to the ladies that attended. The past week, the heaviness is becoming less. It is still there, but I am learning to breathe again. Each day things get a little lighter and a little more joyful. I feel like I am facing the arrows with more bravery because I know I am not facing them alone. I feel like they don't hurt as much because I know God feels the pain before I do.

Spiritual attacks just suck. There is no way around it. But the truth is, that if you feel them, you must be something right because satan is pretty ticked off.

Romans 5:1-5 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Hope is what we need to cling to when the arrows seem to never stop. Hope in tomorrow. Hope in moments of breathing amongst the heaviness. Hope in a day when there is no need for armor and we can sit at the Lord's feet and just soak Him in. That is what keeps me going. 

Hope.

(For those who have been around me the past month. I apologize for the way I have been acting. Today I am choosing to seek joy. Today I am choosing to breath through the heaviness.)