Overwhelmed

Life in Africa for me means change. Not just change in environment, but change in emotion and behavior. I feel like my emotions do a huge change within minutes.  There is something different this year in my heart, and I am not sure what it is. I feel like Lesotho is extreme living. I do not mean I am jumping off mountain ledges, or living completely different from my life in the US, because I am not. But I do mean my emotions are extreme. I feel extreme joy as well as extreme hurt. My heart bubbles over with laughter and in minutes, it is filled with fear, anger and my eyes bubble over with tears. If I have a moment when I feel "normal," part of me is scared for how and when it will change. This happened today, as it does most days.

This week, we have a great team from Mississippi staying at BG. During the day the team is spilt between three different organizations to serve. In the evenings they come to BG to eat, discuss the days event and then rest. It has been a complete joy getting to know them and serving along side of them. My heart gets so excited for teams. Being able to open up someone's heart to the cause of the orphan and widow, ignites a passion in me, I didn't know I had. I love coming together at the end of the day and opening God's Word as we share each other's experiences. Part of the team is staying at BG during the day and helping care for the children. It has been so fun seeing them run around the campus caring for and playing with the children. Each day I have been able to spend some time with the group and share stories. They ask me questions about BG, the children and my journey. I love when they ask, "The child in my house who is _____..." and I can tell them the child's name and a little bit of their story. It brings me joy to be able to know these kids, not just as cute, naughty, silly or cuddly, but to know who they are.

Today, Anita and I went throughout the campus with a children's physical therapist that is on the team. As she worked with the children who are delayed, she was able to teach us how to help them gain strength and overcome their obstacles. At one point she and I were talking about a girl on our campus who has a lot of set backs. As the therapist was working on the girl, we began talking about what would happen if she didn't overcome her obstacles. The emotion in my heart changed. My eyes overflowed with tears. At this moment, I realized that I would do anything for any of the children at BG so that they could experience joy, love, peace and hope. Each day I spend time with the children, not because it is a job, but because I desire to. If I miss a day, I miss them. When one starts to walk, talk, grow and mature, I want to take photos and share them to the world. I want to share their silly stories with friends and family. When a child is sick, I will hold and rock them all night, if that is what it takes to make them feel better. If they are really sick, I want to do everything I can to figure out what needs to happen to help them heal. Today as I worked with the children who are delayed, I realized that I would do anything for them to be able to get the resources I have back in the United States to allow their life to become full. I wanted to email donors and ask for funds to get medical visas. I wanted to email people and see if there was someone who would like to have a child live with them while they were treated.

The team from Mississippi has shown me how much I love these kids and that I would do anything for them. Sharing with the team, about the children they are working with, their personalities and traits, I have realized that over the past few months, I have become very attached to these children. Each year I do, but it is different this time. In the past, I loved them, wanted what was best for them, and enjoyed spending time with them but was content in serving them from a "fund raising/public relations" position. Today as I sat with a therapist and we rejoiced that these kids have BG, my heart rejoiced that God had them here so they could have a place to go and grow, but my heart was also sad because I know there is something better than BG.

As good as BG is, it is not a family. These children deserve more than what we can give them. They deserve parents who will love them, encourage them and strive to provide everything they need to grow. They deserve siblings who they may not enjoy right now, but as they grow, they will see how great it is to have them. They deserve a community that will come along side them and encourage them to strive to become the person God created them to be. They deserve friends to laugh with, grow with and be real with. My heart wants to badly to give that to each and everyone of the children here. If that means I need to work long, hard days with extreme emotions, so that they know I love them, I will. If that means I spend my free time brainstorming ways to present BG to people in a new way, so that they can truly grasp God's Kingdom purpose here, I will. If that means I tour around the United States and Canada for 6 months, in hopes that maybe one person's heart will be introduced to the power of adoption and orphan care, I will.

Is my heart tired from extreme emotional living? yes

Are there moments when I feel as though I am not making a difference and I struggle with how to do so? yes

Are there moments when I feel like I no longer know who I am and can control my emotions? yes

Will I stop? Not until ever child has a family and a home to call their own.