2 Worlds

Today I laid on the sidewalk as the cool rain hit my body. It felt so refreshing, because let me tell you, it is HOT here. I laid on the hot sidewalk and felt the cool rain. With each drop I realized that, just like my body was experiencing two things at once (hot and cold), my heart was as well. I live in different worlds and it is hard for me to explain each of them to the other.

A friend of my said it best in an email, "I am terrified that the distance is not just in miles but in worlds. We are worlds apart now." The email went on to describe how God was going to use each of us in our different worlds, and when we get back together it will be a time of celebration, because we both are committing to journey with each other through our respected worlds.

Right now, my heart is so pensive. I feel like everyday I experience every emotion possible. There are times of great joys. Times when I know my focus is good, because it is on God. But then there are times when my focus turns and I am filled with sadness. The hard thing is most days, I am not sure what I am sad about. I just feel sorrow. Last year when I was at Beautiful Gate, I learned how to stuff certain emotions away. I learned that there is a time for certain feelings and there is a time for other feelings. I feel like by going back to Michigan and then coming back to Lesotho, I have lost the ability to stuff emotion. I am feeling everything so very deeply right now. 

When I was at home, people would say I was the "Mother Teresa" or "Katie Davis" of Zeeland. I laughed at those comparisons, because I am far from those two ladies. Since being here, I feel like I am letting people down if I do not strive to do what they did. Who doesn't want to be known as compassionate, hard working, loyal, obedient and passionate about what they are doing? Who doesn't want to abandon themselves in order to serve those around them. I feel as though I may have painted my role at Beautiful Gate wrong. I love that I can experience life with the children and staff. I love that God has me here working on projects and connecting with people who will add to the joy here at Beautiful Gate. I love that I get to do life with dear friends who are family to me. But to be honest, the ones here who are the "Mother Teresa's" or "Katie Davis'" are the staff. The house mothers work very long days cleaning, cooking and caring for the children. Yes I go and offer help during the day, but I am not the one who these kids see as their mom. The office staff, work hard to make sure everything is running well. The maintenance staff are constantly working on the buildings and grounds to ensure a high quality of life for these kids. I don't want you to think that I feel my role isn't needed, I just want to make sure that I give credit where credit is due. Just like at home, I am the "aunt" who comes in loves on the kids, teaches them songs, reads stories, gives hugs and then goes home.

I write to you all today, because lately I feel like I am missing something. Am I doing enough? Jesus said that when I see someone in need I should help them. As I sit behind my house each day, I see people naked, hungry and thirsty. I see people in need and I am paralyzed in how to help. I want to reach out and make sure everyone on the earth has weight, that they know they matter, but I don't know how to do that. I am ashamed I challenge you readers, to tell people they matter, but step out of BG and do the same. In Matthew 4, Jesus calls His disciples and tells them to "follow me." Immediately, they dropped their nets and they went. They didn't make sure they had enough support money. They didn't say goodbye to their family and friends. They left. They gave up everything to follow Christ. Am I willing to do that?

Here is where my two worlds don't line up. One world thinks I am dropping everything and doing great things. But I have to ask myself, "Am I?" Am I giving up everything so that God can be glorified? Am I standing in front of Him with open hands offering all of me, or do I have one hand closed around the things I love? How do I explain to the world who thinks I am saving lives, that today I spent most of the morning scrubbing windows on the new volunteer house and then in the afternoon, I road in a van with the older children at BG (Friday tradition) singing songs and making them laugh. Is that following Christ? Am I a disciple maker, or am I a justifier, believing that by going to Africa I have played my part? Do I fully let go of the desires of my flesh to seek out those that need clothes, food and water? There are so many people around me whose needs are so massive. It is overwhelming. Where does one begin?

For now I will continue to be an "aunt". I will sing songs and hug children and staff. I will scrub windows, laugh with volunteers and pray that is some way I am sharing Jesus.

I live in two worlds. One thinks I am a super hero, the other sees my daily actions. I want and desire to love my neighbor in each of these worlds. I desire to shine Jesus.

I desire to follow...