The Void

Ever since being home, I have been walking around with a void. I know God completes me and with Him guiding my way, I am not incomplete, but for some reason I have just felt like half a person. When I first got home, I called it "culture shock." Everyone warned me about how hard the transition was going to be and they were right it was hard, but I have been home a month and I still feel incomplete.

At first, it was when I was alone at home and surrounded by all the "stuff" of home that the feeling was very strong, but the past few weeks it has come up when when I am with others. The void has made my mind process things differently and because of that conversations I have had with people close to me have changed. On the outside I could be laughing, but my insides are very screwed up. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend about goals. I was able to say a few goals that I truly do have, but inside everything she said, my mind answered with "she isn't going to think your goal is good." or "how can I have a goal, because something inside of me is missing." I went home just feeling defeated. I feel like I can no longer have a conversation with my best friend without the lies of satan whispering in my ear. I feel like I can't even hang out with people, because an innocent conversation about nothing or everything, turns into me thinking something is really messed up in me. This void has made me want to distance myself from others.

Today I think I figured out what the void is. I miss serving others, every minute of every day. For 4 months, I was a mom, (the best form of a servant) I was the person that made the food, got kids dressed, played with them, taught them things, kissed their hurts and put them to bed. They ran to me for comfort, they got mad at me when I disciplined them, they wanted to play with me some days and other days wanted me no where near them. Today I took my 3 youngest nephews and niece with me while I ran some errands. It was so much fun to be out with kids and have people tell me how cute they are. On the way home, my 2 year old nephew fell asleep and would not wake up after I took him out of his car seat. He just snuggled in my arms and I felt the void get littler. I then knew what I was missing. I miss being a mom. I feel like part of me is gone, well 46 parts of me are gone actually. 46 parts that gave me purpose. I know some of you are know thinking, "is she going to adopt?" Not now. I LOVE adoption. I support adoption, and if God calls me down that road someday I will gladly walk the path. But if I adopted right now the child God gave me, would not fill the void I have.

Also since being home, I have jumped back into building relationships with the high school students at church and have become involved in some things that have allowed me to serve. I love serving. It makes my heart happy, but it doesn't fill the void.

This past Sunday I stood up in front of my church and challenged them to focus God's plan, to fix their eyes on the things that are not right in front of your face. We need to fix our eyes on what we cannot see, because that is what is eternal. (2 Cor 4) As I talked to them, I was also talking to myself. Right now I am journeying through a tough place, but I pray with expectation, that one day it will all make sense. One day I will understand the void that is in my heart. One day I will feel complete, and no human person can take that void away. Daily I have to remind myself that the void I am experiencing will only go away when I reach Heaven. I may try to fill the void with a person or a "project" but those things will not fill the void. The void is the fact, that I am not home. Heaven is my home and I will live in a void until my homecoming.

BUT I will live with JOY through the void, so more people can experience what TRUE love with our Father is all about. I choose to focus on the good through the days when the void is screaming at me and satan's lies are louder than God's whispers. I choose to walk in peace and in choosing this, I must be bold with my faith. I have to tell others that the voids that they may be walking through, are temporary. I must be bold and not shrink back.

I miss being a mom, I miss serving every second of everyday, but I know God has a plan and I am choosing to believe one day this feeling will go away and everything will make sense.

loosing me

One thing my time in Africa taught me was the process of loosing myself. I have to tell you that the process of loosing yourself can't be done in 4 months, it is a daily process where you have to surrender the person you created yourself to be and embrace the one God created you to be. Loosing yourself allows God to be in control and requires trust.

One thing that really stuck out to me with the children at BG was how much they trusted you. When you picked them up to hug them, they would snuggle into your arms and not let go. They trusted you to care for them, love them and simply just be with them. Now, because of their past, a lot of the children had a need to fight to survive, even though at BG they were completely taken care of. It was in those children that you claimed a huge victory when they trusted you. They too, were in a process of loosing who they created themselves to be due to horrible circumstances, rather than who God created them to be. When they ran up to me and yell, "ausey Boostina...knuckles," and put their little fist up, I celebrated. It was in those moments, that I felt God smiling on me.

I pray that I can continue to loose myself to Him daily. Honestly, I am having more culture shock coming back home, than I did going to Africa. Daily I am learning to let go my sense to fight, look up at my Abba Father and say, "knuckles."

leap of faith

I can't thank you all enough for everything you have done for me. Your support both financially and spiritually showed me how BIG my God is!!!

I have been home for five days now. I have to say it is weird. Things are in the same place, but everything feels different. Things I enjoyed doing, I no longer do. I love being with my family and friends again, but I also miss the children at BG. I love being home, but I am learning that home is different.

When leaving for BG, I saw this as a leap of faith, quitting my job, leaving home, friends, family and going to serve in Africa. Since being home, I have realized each day we have here on earth is a leap of faith. You don't have to go across the world for God to stretch you. You can hear Him right here. God has a path and plan laid out for each of us and us choosing to trust Him in all things is a huge leap of faith.

Yesterday a friend of mine was given news that requires a "leap of faith" attitude. As I talked to her yesterday and today, her faith is her anchor. The odds are against her, but she knows how big her God is. (To read more of her story visit her blog http://www.verbeekblog.com/) PLEASE join me in praying for a miracle for Lindy, Dustin, Brooklyn, Maxwell and Samantha!!

The children at BG, taught me so much about trust and love. I will never forget the way their hands naturally held mine wherever we went. I will never forget that by just picking up a crying baby and holding them close you could feel them relax. I will never forget the sound of 30 children yelling, "ausey boostina, ausey boostina." They all have the "leap of faith" attitude, without even knowing it. Some of them have fought to survive and they have won!!

I have so many cherished memories at BG. I loved my 4 months there. God gave me a gift by allowing me to go and serve. I didn't serve, as much as I took in from the people around me. May God receive the glory the great things HE did in Lesotho.

Everyday is leap of faith...where is God calling you to trust Him and jump?

See you Later

So I just put all the kids to bed for the last time. It was pretty hard. I decided to say goodbye to them tonight, instead of in the morning, so I wouldn't feel so rushed. One of the boys told his house mother he wanted me to sleep with him tonight, since I was going to America in the morning. I got into his cot, but there wasn't enough room for him, so he kicked me out.

Friday I was taking the children for a walk outside of BG. One of the older girls found it really fun to take her foot and slam it down on the dirt road to make a definite footprint. I decided to join her and after a few minutes all of the children were doing it. It made me think what footprint did I leave in Lesotho? What part of God's bigger plan did I play? I am not really sure, but I do know that Lesotho, BG and the people I have met have made a huge imprint on my heart and I will never be the same.

Tomorrow I start the long journey back, but I pray someday I will be back to BG and Lesotho. I pray I can take others with me and introduce them to the beautiful people that are here. Anyone up for a trip with me?

Please pray for a safe journey back home. I leave here at 5am (Michigan time) and if everything goes according to plan, I will land in GR Tuesday at 1pm. Some of you have asked if you could meet me at the airport. You are more than welcome too. I will be having a quiet night with my family after the airport, but you all are invited to see me at the airport. Your prayers and support have been a HUGE asset to this "leap of faith" and I would love to celebrate with all of you!!!

Love and Hugs from Lesotho!!!

A new face

I would just like to take a moment and introduce you to one of the newest members of the BG family. She is approximately 6-9 months old and was found in a forest alone. She is a very quiet girl, but since coming to BG has improved a lot, by making eye contact with people, acknowledging when someone calls her name and letting everyone know when she is ready to eat.

The director of BG gave her the name Christina.

The List

Sunday I was playing with the children after nap time. I sat with a 6 year old girl on my lap and she was going through "the List". This is something the older children do when a volunteer leaves or a child gets adopted. She said the names and I said where they are. "Neo...Canada. Thabo...Sweden. Leah...America" My friends Lindsey and Lindsay were added to the list since they left on Friday. But then she said my name, something she never had done before, "Boostina" and I said, "soon America." She then got up and ran away crying. When I caught her, she kept saying, "Boostina no America!!! Maseru!!!!" (Maseru is the captial of Lesotho.)

I am learning how hard it is for people to leave on the children. I wonder if my time here is a good thing or a bad thing for them. Yes, I am here for 4 months and have played with them, laughed with them, made their breakfast, and kissed them goodnight, but soon I will leave and they will have to adjust again. For the most part they are fine after someone leaves and after a few days they don't go through "The List" anymore and every time they do they forget about someone. So life does go on. I just feel bad that in 20 days I will be leaving them and their will be no more volunteers to go through "The List" with them.

A huge part of me is VERY ready to go home. I need to process the things I have gone through. I need to be able to go some where to just sit and think about everything I have seen and had my heart broken because of them. The past 2 days I have hit a point where my heart just can't take anymore. I have held a 7 day old baby that was found in a toilet pit, where the bugs had already started feeding off from his face and shoulders. I have seen things and heard noises that make you stop in your tracks. I LOVED my time in Lesotho and I know that when I get home and I am going to want to come back, but right now I need to breathe.

The thing is I feel really guilty about typing that. I need to breathe and have a break, but these children never get a break. They are here and this is their life. They are orphans. I am so glad that they are in a place where they are taught about the One who will not leave them as orphans (John 14:18). He will never leave or forsake them (Duet 31:6). Nothing can ever separate them for His love (Romans 8:38-39). He is the Father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5) Because of these promises it will be easier to give them the final kiss goodnight.

I may only be here for 20 more days, but a part of me will never leave Lesotho.

pictures or clapping

I had to laugh the other day about a few emails I got. In one day, I got 4 emails asking me to post some pictures of my trip. I laughed because honestly I haven't been taking a lot of pictures. I know I just scared some of you. I have taken about 800 pictures, but I just don't carry the camera with me everywhere with me.

Yesterday I was going to get my camera and start take some pictures per people's request, but I got distracted. Instead of getting the camera, I ended up going and hanging out with a 2 year old boy. Some people here think he may have autism and we are in the process of trying to send him to get tested. He is 2 and doesn't walk or crawl. He gets around by sliding on his butt in the sitting position. He won't make eye contact and has a lot of tantrums that usually end up with him hurting himself. He needs a lot of extra care. So yesterday I sat him on my lap facing me and we clapped. First I clapped with his hands, then he put his hands on the outside of mine and clapped for me. Then he would make a noise with his mouth every time my hands clapped together. Then he started getting it and clapped by himself. For 2 hours, we clapped and for 2 hours it didn't matter what was going in the world, it was all about him and me.

For me pictures are good, they capture a memory that I don't want to forget. I am learning though about the people in the picture. They have names and stories. The other day I flipped through a magazine (I haven't done that in months) and my heart sank. There was an article about AIDs and the people whose lives have been affected by it. For me, the article was not about a distant issue, but one that I have lived in for 4 months. The faces have names. I have changed their diapers and comforted them when they were sad. I have held their hand on the playground and kicked around a soccer ball with them. They are more than a photo, they are a person.

For those who want a picture, the pictures on this post was taken by a friend of mine. We went to another orphanage last week and I made a new friend with a little boy. As you can see the camera is on my back, so my friend took some pictures. I thought about how I should take a photo, but then I just wanted to sit with him on my lap. He pressed his little body so tight up against mine. He didn't to let go of me. Saying goodbye was hard. Thanks for taking the picture Lindsey.

I am currently working on a video of my trip. I hope to have it done by the time I go home and will post it on the blog. I can't wait to show you all the people I know. I don't want to just post pictures and let you figure them out. I want to introduce you to the people I love in Lesotho.

love from Lesotho