Dignity

dig·ni·ty

the state or quality of worthy of honor or respect

Each person has been created, designed and established with dignity. As David said in Psalm 139, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Each person ever created was knitted together wonderfully with honor and respect BY GOD ALONE!! Lately my heart has been overwhelmed with the thoughts of dignity. This one word has woven its way into my life for the past eight years, but the past five weeks it has paralyzed me and the past 24 hours it has broken my heart to the place where I am crying over my keyboard, desperately wanting everyone in my path to know their worth and honor. 

Unfortunately my walk with dignity has been one of mistakes. I have not shown everyone in my path the honor and respect they deserve from being created as a masterpiece of my Abba. 

I have judged. 

I have overlooked. 

I have shown little honor and respect for the person in my path. 

I let my agenda, to-do list, small thoughts and schedule take over and ignored those that the Lord placed in my journey.  I have allowed my flesh to take over the heart that the Lord has given me and ignored the fact that the person in front of me was a reflection of God's creation for me in that moment. Lately I have thought a lot about dignity based upon my life and work in Lesotho, but honestly what has overcome my heart and emotions is the lack dignity for those in my path, now that I am back in the States. I want so badly to take the real lessons that I learned in Lesotho and have them overflow into the life God has for me here. 

One of the rules we have at BG is that no photos or videos of the children's faces can be shared online. We do this, because they are not our children. They are someone else's and we want to protect them while they are in our care, so that when they are united with those that the Lord has ordained to be their family, their family can introduce them to the world. We do not want to hide them, but care for them as the precious jewels they are. Just like a diamond miner, who does not boast about the stone he finds but when that stone is placed upon a girl's finger, she and her future husband get to boast about what the precious rock represents. If the miner boasted about the rock, when it was time for the couple to share their news, it wouldn't be as special because the world already saw it. There have been many moments when I have had to ask those volunteering or on mission trips to remove a photo from their social media site because it showed too much of the child's face. I dislike these conversations, but I am very passionate about them, because serving orphans is serving someone's baby. It is not a social justice campaign. It is not the latest trend to do, so that you can get a pat on the back. It is loving someone's son or daughter until the moment they are united and the rock that was once embedded in dark dust, sparkles as it shines God's redemption and adoption for all of us to see. Adoption isn't easy. It isn't always sparkling but it is pure and holy and a moment in which only those involved should be boasting about. If I a posted a photo of every child I worked with in Lesotho, what would that do other than weave into that child's life a deep strand of yarn that represents that they are just a product of a something I am doing, so that my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter feeds can have many "hits" or "likes" and I feel good about myself. Each child I have touch is not a thing to boast about but a soul created by God to make Him known. Because the truth is when the trip is done and your life is back to it's cushiness, that child is still in the orphanage and that child's family is still waiting somewhere. That child's life is still encompassed in the dark soot and dirt of their abandonment. That is something I do not want to brag about but to constantly fight for that little soul that was fearfully and wonderfully made with dignity, not to be an image online but a world changer for God's Kingdom. 

Secondly, one of my "tasks," though it was not written in my job description at BG was to give our children hair cuts, in other words, shave their heads. In 2013, I didn't see this as a big deal. We shaved the children's heads to help with cleanliness and ease of care. But then one day a photo was posted, by someone volunteering at BG of me, shaving a child's head and one of our adoptive parents sent me this reply "(Child's name) doesn't like this picture..it almost makes her cry. She didn't like hair cut time in Lesotho." I emailed this parent to not only apologize but also just know why. The thought of a child feeling turmoil over looking at a photo of something I saw as so routine, broke my heart. The mother explained how her daughter would go to preschool in Lesotho and see the other children with hair and she felt ugly. Now most of the Basotho culture does keep their hair short or bald, but as girls grow up, they grow their hair and put it in braids and twists. This BG child didn't think she was beautiful because her classmates had braids and she didn't have any hair. She felt that her beauty, her dignity, was in her hair. She felt like she was still a baby. To some this sounds sad, but you understand the cleanliness aspect and you feel the child should just get over it. I know this, because before I got this email from the mother, I would tell the child who's crying in the chair in front of me that they were okay and that if they sat still the hair cut would be easier. And when their haircut was done, I would pick up the next waiting child and cut. It was a normal thing to do. I saw their tears as a road block for my task, not the reflection of the child's feeling of me stealing their dignity. From the moment I received that email, every time a child sat in front of me for a haircut, I would pray in my heart, as I buzzed. I placed their name and their dignity on the threshold of my Abba's throne. Because no one deserve's to feel ugly or feel like their dignity is being taken away from them. This journey continues as I am home. Now it is not a clipper in my hand, but my eyes on the path. When I am at a store or a restaurant, in which someone tells me their name or their name is printed on a name tag, I use it. I don't just ask for what I want or think need, I use their name in hopes that in this small way, they know they have dignity. In hopes that in this small gesture they know they have worth. In hopes that they know someone else knows their name. Also when I am out and I see someone who lacks something that is "normal" to my culture, I pray that they can be shown dignity and worth beyond their difference. 

Each and every person on this earth was created with dignity and I do not want to be a person whose actions, thoughts or words steal that dignity, because dignity is a amazing gift and one that should have it be trampled on. Dignity is looking at someone in the eyes rather than looking at their difference. You see everyone's eyes, no matter the color, shape or size are the same. If we stopped looking past each other or looking each other up and down, like girls in junior or senior high school, we can focus on the eyes. Someone's eyes are a reflection of their heart. Since being home I have discovered that I sometimes dislike texting and emails, because I cannot read someone's tone they are using. I have found myself texting a friend and asking "Okay. I do not want to miss something. Are you really okay?" We all want to be okay, but the fact is sometimes, life is not okay and when your life is not okay, I want to be there. I want to speak truth into you. I want to place your name on the threshold of the throne of God and let you see your worth, honor and respect. Every person in this world has dignity. We all need to let go of ourselves and look each other in the eye, to say "I see you. I am no different than you. You have worth!" 

I am a work in progress, when it comes to dignity, but I pray each day I can be a beacon of hope in someone's life, so that they know their worth!

Honesty

It has been 5 weeks since my last post. If you are someone who reads between the lines, you could tell my last few posts were about letting go of my "Lesotho side" of the job. On May 26, I secretly boarded a plane and flew home to surprise my family and friends. After the indescribable goodbyes at Beautiful Gate to the staff, other volunteers and precious children, the surprises at home were a good way to have something joyful to look forward to. Beautiful Gate honored and celebrated what the Lord did through me with a humbling and amazing goodbye celebration. I was so honored to hear the speeches from the staff and the dances and many songs that went into their goodbyes to me. At the end of the ceremony I was able to commission Tyler into this great adventure by washing his feet. The position I have carried is one of complete service, so the only way I could think of "passing the baton" to him was to serve him.

The last five weeks have been full of many emotions. Looking back at March 2015, when I submitted my resignation to Beautiful Gate and requested to leave Lesotho a month early, I could never have imagined the things I have been able to be a part of because of this month of furlough. Things that no one could have imagined when I gave my resignation, other than God. His timing is always the best and I am so glad I followed His footsteps in having this time in Michigan before gearing up for six months of introducing Tyler to the supporting churches, organizations and families of Beautiful Gate Lesotho in the United States and Vancouver, Canada.

The past few weeks there has been a song on the radio that has hit my heart. (For those who know me and have been reading this blog, you know that music always speaks to my soul.) The song is called "If we are Honest" by Francesca Battistelli. The first verse and chorus are...

Truth is harder than a lie

The dark seems safer than the light

And everyone has a heart that loves to hide

I am a mess and so are you

We've built wall nobody can get through

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do 

Bring your brokenness and I'll bring mine

'Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy's waiting on the other side

If we're honest

My heart has opened to what it means to live in community with other people. My heart has been shown what it means to be "adopted" into a friendship that is family. One where you lay everything out on the table and you can be honest about your fears, your doubts, your joys and those things that you hang on to when you know you should not. These open, honest relationships helped see me through some dark days in Lesotho. I know that this year I didn't blog as much as past years, but that wasn't because of a lack of things to write about. Honestly, it was because of a lack of words to describe the feelings and emotions my heart was going through because of the events that were taken place. I am grateful for the relationships in my life that were able to receive an email full of hardship and find ways to encourage me to keep my eyes on Christ, for strength and perseverance. We all need people who will hear our heart and then walk into the brokenness with us. Not everyone in your life is there to hear the hard, but those that are, are there for a reason. Open up your heart to them and learn how to be honest.

Here is the thing readers, we all have walls in our lives and if we choose to live behind those walls we are not fulling living into the truth and hope of Jesus Christ. We need to step out of those fears and embrace the adventure that the Lord has us on. The road is not easy. The road is hard and has many exits that we can choose to take or not take, but the truth is no matter what path we are on, God is there with us. Also He has placed people there to walk the journey with you. People who will encourage you to be honest with yourself and with them. This encouragement can come in a pat on the back, or an arm around the shoulder or it may come with a hard "get over yourself" conversation. Either way, you know that the conversation is one that you needed to hear.

For example, this weekend I was hanging out with my closest friends spending the day on a boat and beach enjoying the shores of Lake Michigan. Boating is something my family never did growing up, so I will be honest, I was a little nervous. The boat ride was great. I loved every minute of it. I also loved just hanging out on the beach talking with my friends. BUT then the dreaded tubing conversation came up. I did not want to tube at all. I know myself and the word graceful is one I would never use to describe myself, so the thought of being pulled on an inflatable circle behind a boat, never really sounded exciting to me. I imagined myself hitting a wave and flying through the air in very ungraceful positions before slamming into the water and coming up naked. (Yup this is where my mind went. I was literally going to be the butt of everyones jokes.) But my friends were "encouraging" me in their own special way to get over myself and do it. So two of my friends and I got on a three person tube and set off. After about 1 minute I realized that I was so dumb for not doing this before. Thankfully we had a great driver who knew he was not allowed to flip us or he would die (and quite possibly loose his job.) The ride was great! If my friends would not have pushed me, I would have spent the day only on the shore, which was nice, but not as fun as the tube. The tube was full of bumps and there were moments you had to hold on tight and other moments when you could just let go and trust. I saw the tube like my life. Yes there are moments when sitting on the shore is nice, but honestly, it is very safe and God didn't call us into the safe. He called us into the real. He called us to grab some friends and hold on because even though the adventure maybe bumpy, it will be full. Even though it may seem scary, it will contain joy!

And if you do it with friends you are 100% honest with, and they are with you, there will be jokes and you maybe the butt of them, but do not worry, they will still love your butt.

Reflections on 4 years

This week I was able to take a few days and drive to Johannesburg to drop off my friend Anita's brother at the airport. Anita and I decided to it would be fun to not just drop him off but have a two day getaway to show him some more of Africa before he left and to give the two of us some time together, since it would be the last time we could do that before I leave at the end of June. It was an amazing time of laughter, deep conversations and just plain silliness.

We stayed over night at a Airport En Route. It is a cute little B&B that I use every year and know the owners well. As Anita and I were laying in bed chatting I couldn't help but think of January 2013 when I was laying in the exact same bed. I remember not sleeping at all that night. I was so scared and questioned what I was doing. The day before I just had said goodbye to all my loved ones and I was headed out on an adventure that only God knew about the details. That night I remember crying and feeling so alone. I didn't think I had the strength for the journey of living a very split life in Lesotho as a missionary and then in North American as a traveling speaker and promoter of Beautiful Gate, at times being treated as a celebrity. Since I was the one creating the job and the first one in this position I had no idea what to expect and that night all the fears and thoughts of not being good enough came out. A big part of me just wanted to go home. The night before I left as I was saying goodbye to my family, my littlest nephew was not pleased with me leaving. At one point my brother had to take him out of my arms so they could go because my nephew was not going to let go. My heart broke for what this job was going to do to my relationships both in my family and friends. After one night at the B&B, I got on a plane and headed to Lesotho where I was warningly greeted by all the staff and children I love and I knew I was right where God wanted me. My heart felt full and ready to do whatever He wanted. He proved 10 days after I got to BG that it was Him alone that I needed to find strength in with the deaths of three children in four days.

The last four years have been ones of extreme ups and downs. Each day is full of moments of joy and moments of grief. Someone once said, "Adoptions have to be the best day of your job." I will agree that adoptions are great days. They are a physical representation of God's adoption of us and a child that I love gets to have a family, but I do not think they are the best. For me the "best" day on the job is when seeing a child trust. Most children come to us scared and very nervous. Some are very withdrawn and others just look at you like a deer in the head lights. Every child is different at how they respond to their first few days, weeks or months. Sadly some children stay withdrawn from others. The trauma that caused them to end up at BG was too much and they just don't understand any other type of life. Some children have no issues at all with the transition and it is hard to tell that they are the "new kid" have a few hours. So the best day for me comes when one of those children who is withdrawn and distance themselves from people, grabs your hand or sits on your laugh without you prompting it. The best day is when a child who has shown any joy, smiles and/or laughs with the other children. The best day is the day a child realizes they are a part of a family.

On the opposite side, the hardest days have been those when a child realizes that their life is not the way it is suppose to be. We call these "orphan days." It is when a child's whole personality just changes. They are extremely sad and sometimes act out and want nothing to do with anyone. It is those days, that I just pick them up and hold them. It is those days that I want so badly to get rid of the red tape of adoptions and give them to a family. It is those days that I find myself searching for answers and needing to spend extra time with Jesus, because it is those days that you discover there just are no answers. Nothing about Beautiful Gate is normal. It is a beautiful place created to bring love and hope into the lives of children and staff, but the truth is it should not exist. Orphanages, foster care, children homes, are names for a bigger problem that no one can fix except for the Lord. That problem is sin. When your life consist is living in a place that was created because of sin, it is understandable to have "orphan days" and honestly, I have also experienced a lot of orphans days myself.

There are so many things going through my head and heart right now. So many emotions and feelings. So many thoughts and reflections. May has been a slower month for my job at BG because we haven't had any teams, so I have been able to take time and just reflect on the past 4 years. Someone once asked me, "Now you know what you know and have experienced all the highs and the lows, would you do it again?" That question is easy...YES! As I think about the scared woman in a B&B in Jo'burg in 2013 and I think of that same woman four years later laying in the same bed, I cannot help but thank God for all the experiences I have had. I have been a part of adoptions and reunifications. Some of those adoptions have been families that have adopted twice from BG. I have experienced God's family in many child becoming a part of the BG family. I have experienced grief through the passing of 6 children, five in 2013 and one a few weeks ago. I met amazing people whose hearts have been affected by BG through mission trips and presentations. On another note, my waist line has also changed because of these great people who have fed me well when I am with them. (PS there is NO other place for BBQ than in Mississippi!!!)

I can honestly say, I am no longer the scared person I was in 2013. I have changed... a lot. My heart knows how to feel deeper joy and it also knows how to feel deeper pain. BUT through it all, the Lord is faithful. He was faithful to me before 2013 and He will continue to be faithful in the years to come. On my first trip in 2009, I prayed that the Lord would break my heart for what breaks His. There is no doubt, that is what He has done. My heart has been broken and rebroken and rebroken and yes, rebroken again for His people and I pray that no matter where the Lord leads me after December when I finish my responsibilities with BG, I will continue to be able to work with His broken people.

"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 

1 Thes. 5:24

Wrapped

A few weeks ago, I was having "one of those days." It was a day at BG when everything did not go as planned. We received three new children on three separate cases and I had an unexpected trip in to town that took me away from my normal duties. Most of the time, I can handle days like this, because they happen a lot, but this day something wasn't right. I struggled to focus on anything and it felt like I was being pulled in about 15 different directions. There were many times I found myself looking at the clock hoping for 4pm to come so I could go home. I am not proud of days like this, but they happen. No matter how long you are in a different country, sometimes days of culture shock just happen and there is not much you can do other than to just put your head downed get through it.

At 3pm, I went into town with some volunteers to treat some children knowing that when we got back, my day would be done. While in town, I enjoyed the one on one time with a special little guy. As we pulled into BG, my phone rang and it was someone looking for me. They needed a driver to pick up one of our children who was in the hospital recovery from surgery. Like most days, even though the clock says 4p, the work is not done, so I quickly jumped into the car. I was frustrated. The events of the day paired with the fact that I would be driving through the busy part of town during the busiest part of the day made my attitude pretty negative. When I got to the hospital I realized that through all of the hustle and bustle of rushing out of BG so I would get to the hospital in time, I forgot to bring the clothing for the child with me, so I had to call BG and ask for someone to come and bring it. While I waited for the clothes to be delivered, I just sat and held the little baby. I tried to calm my heart by praying and looking at this precious bundle that was trusted into the care of BG. My insides were still upset, but holding this precious one made things a little better. Those moments reminded me why I do what I do and that no matter what the events of the day are, I am wrapped in the arms of my Abba, just like the child was wrapped into mine. The clothes were dropped off and I was able to get home around 7pm that night. There was no energy to process the day, I just went to bed.

Last week, God chose this little child to enter eternity with Him. They are no longer wrapped in our arms, but the arms of an eternal, hopeful, sovereign Lord who never left them while they were on earth. This fact is not only true from this precious child, but for all of us. There may be moments when we feel abandoned and like many of are children here, so of us have been abandoned, by earthly people, but God NEVER abandons us. He is always with us. He was with this baby for their first breath and He was with them for their last. On days when you feel frustrated and it seems like the world is "winning" each moment, God is right there with you in that moment, loving you through it. During those moments when your heart is bounding and you just want to give up, He whispers in your ear, "I am holding you in my righteous and compassionate hand. I love you my child. You are not alone." It has been 3 years since we had a child pass away at Beautiful Gate. Each moment of those years, the Lord was with us, whispering in our ears, "You are mine. I am here." And last week, He wrapped His arms around us tighter and said, "I am still here and I am grieving with you."

Please pray for the staff at Beautiful Gate. This child's life may have been short, but they had weight. No matter the situation of how they came to BG or what the person felt who could no longer care for them, they mattered to us.

On the same day Beautiful Gate laid this child to rest, a family from Canada picked up their new daughter. All in the same day we experience sadness and joy. I personally am so excited for this family and child, since I have known them for years now. In both of these situations, the Lord has and continues to wrap his arms around all of us and hold us close to Him.

The Road

At least five times a week, I drive into town for a plethora of reasons and to get to town there is basically one road to take. Yes there are back roads that we call "adventures" but 95% of the time you take one road. Depending on what time you are on the road your journey is different. No matter what time, you will hear load honking from taxis "calling" to their passengers letting them know they are have room. Most of the time the road is passable and you can get through with no issues. There are a few hours in the morning and at night though when the road is PACKED with people either going to or leaving work. People, thousands upon thousands of them, walking down a two lane street. Some are purchasing goods to take home from the many tuck shops lined along the road. Some are dodging in and out of traffic to cross the road and get to where they need to go. As they walk their faces are all different. Some are joyful and laugh and joke with their friends (these you need to watch out for because they like to push and shove each other in the road like elementary school boys on a playground.) Some just keep their eyes fixed not the road and walk. Their blank faces tell a story of long work hours and a long journey to and from work all done on their feet. They are tired and worn out. It seems like nothing for them is easy.

On Friday, Tyler was driving and I was riding in the car as we passed through the heavy traffic to get to our destination. I found myself looking longer at people this day and my mind was filled with questions. You see, Thursday was a full day at Beautiful Gate. In the matter of a few hours we received three children in three separate incidences. As we drove through the crowds of people, I thought to myself, was it this person? Could it be that person or that one? Did one of these people leave any of these children? I looked at their faces differently that day and instead of seeing light hearted people, I saw pain. Pain from the journeys they have been on. Pain from the poverty. Pain from the disease. Pain from just being tired. Their faces reflected a different look to me. I no longer was overwhelmed with the hustle and bustle of the commute at that time of day, but more curious of the individual stories each of these people represent. Were they themselves an orphan, either abandoned or due to death or choice? Was their life filled with love and encouragement or one of hard work and sacrifice? Do they push and shove and joke with their coworkers, because they didn't have the opportunity to go to school and do that on the play yard? Do they buy goods every day, on the walk home, because their house does not have a refrigerator to keep food? Did they just leave a newborn close to this same area?

And then I have to ask myself the hard question...How many times did I drive by an area where a child was and not see them? How many times did I not look at their pain but continue on with my drive and complain about how they were not crossing the road nice?

I have come to a point where some of the stories of the child's abandonment no longer shocks me. It saddens me yes and deeply at times, but I no longer feel shock. More than anything I feel numb and keep going with my day, kind like the people walking on the road to town. Sometimes the events of the days and feelings in your heart create nothing but numbness. The thing that hurts me the most is that that numbness then affects the lives of precious little babies who did nothing wrong.

Please join me in boldly praying for Lesotho and it's people. Life here is tough. But there is hope. A few weeks ago we celebrated resurrections day and the last I checked, the tomb is still empty!!!!

Reflections

This past week it has been great having a team from Haven Church (Michigan, USA) at Beautiful Gate. Haven has been my home church for 16 years and it is always nice to have them here. The Haven team marked a few transitions points for me.

First, it was the first team that Tyler lead and I supported him. I found many moments throughout the week that I just stood back and was so proud of the way he was leading. Once again it was very clear that me stepping away from BG was God's plan so that Tyler could step into the North American Ambassador role.

Also, my first time ever in Lesotho was on a team from Haven in October of 2009. It was a great experience then and the Lord has continued to show how love and faithfulness to me throughout the past seven years. As I watched the leaders of my first trip, Keith and Lori Kroll, continuing to do what they always do with teams, which is give people opportunities to experience our Abba in Lesotho, I remembered the moments of my first trip. I remember being nervous, excited, apprehensive and ready to soak in what the Lord had for me. (Yes in Lesotho it is normal to experience every emotion, even opposite ones all at the same time.) This year's team went to the same places we did in 2009 and there were many moments when I had to catch my breath because I saw God's path come full circle for me. One of those places we went to was the village of Semonkong, but the journey was different. On my first trip we never made it to the Maletsunyane falls. Since 2009, I have had the privilege of being at the falls on different occasions, but Lori and I always joked that we needed to redeem the first trip and go together. As I sat watching the water pour over the top of the fall and making the 630 foot drop to the bottom, I thought about the overwhelming feeling of having God's faithfulness pour over you. When I sit back and think about the past seven years and the journey the Lord has had me on, that is the one word that I can use to describe Him...faithful.

I know that in the next 3 months I will have many experiences like with team, when I see God's plan and path clearly laid out. I see the joyful and the sorrow. I see the brilliance and the diminished times of His presence. Over all I see His amazing mercy that has poured over me and will continue to pour over me no matter where the path leads after December. I am so humbled and honored that the Lord chose me, a sinful woman, to walk this journey and worship Him through it.

Meet Tyler Robbert

When the Lord put on my heart that this would be my last year with Beautiful Gate, I was determined to not finish until the right person was in place. I remember laying in bed praying that God would make it clear as to who the next North American Ambassador would be and He did just that.

It is my privilege to introduce you all to Tyler Robbert, the North American Ambassador for Beautiful Gate Lesotho.

Tyler grew up in Kalamazoo, Michigan, but it took an internship at a supporting church in Redlands, California where he was introduced to BG. Tyler served in the houses at BG from September of 2014 to September of 2015. The staff immediately feel in love with his desire to truly know the Basotho culture and serve them well. The children latched onto his fun loving, compassionate personality. A day didn't go by last year, where I wouldn't see Tyler and the children running around the yard at BG. Tyler has been blessed with an amazing heart and determination to serve God above everyone and everything else. His commitment to BG is second to none. He loves the staff and children and treats them as they are, valuable members of God's family. There has never been a shadow of doubt for me that God aligned Tyler to serve at BG, during the same year he asked me to step down from this position. God continues to prove that he has everything under control.

Tyler came back to BG in February of 2016 to train in this position. In the few short months he has been here, he has served teams, donors as well as continuing to bring joy to the staff and children. I am so excited to see what God is going to do through Tyler. His sensitive spirit to always following the Spirit's guiding is going to be a huge asset on this campus. I know and believe that the Lord will use Tyler to reach out to more people and impact the hearts of more people so that the future of Beautiful Gate remains a strong Christian family, whose main focus is to bring, truth, hope and love the children and staff in Lesotho.

Tyler and I will be serving together in Lesotho until the end of June and then we will travel back to Michigan. From July to December we will be meeting with existing churches, individuals and organizations that make up our donor family. If you would like to meet will us, please contact me at christina.terpstra@gmail.com.