Here I Am

There are moments in life that you want to slow down and take in every fiber of them.  There are also moments that you want to fast forward through and be done with.  Right now I am doing both, and the joy is I am finding God in both.

God has given me so much peace about my new role for Beautiful Gate.  He has shown me that every path I walked down in life has brought me to this place.  He has revealed Himself to me in ways that I have felt His provision and strength not only filling my body, but OVERFLOWING in my body. It is in these moments that I want to move slowly, so I don't miss any part of who God is and how is going to use me.

There are also moments I want to fast forward through, so I can be fulling working for Beautiful Gate, instead of juggling school, Starbucks and Beautiful Gate work.  I know the day will come when this will happen, and I am trusting that it will happen in His time, not mine.  But through juggling, I am able to share my journey with my classmates, co-workers and customers and through that, I am seeing God put more pieces in His puzzle of my life.

Above all, I want to make God smile. Psalm 40:7-8 says, "Then I said, 'Here I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll.  I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.'" This is where I am right now. I have said HERE I AM and now I desire to do God's will and nothing else.  

Today I had two fund raising events for Beautiful Gate.  One was a car wash and the other an auction/dinner.  My role was different in each.  The car wash was for my upcoming trip the the team from Holland Christian.  My role was easy...wash cars.  At the dinner, which was for another team from the Holland area that will be going in October, my role was to represent Beautiful Gate and share my heart by encouraging others to lead.  Tonight, I have to smile and praise God for the amazing day He has given me.  I still can't believe that this is the next chapter in my life and I am so honored to be a part of God's great plan.

Here am I Lord. Send me.

North American Ambassador for Beautiful Gate Lesotho

In October of 2009, I went on a two-week mission trip to a tiny country called Lesotho. I had no idea that after this trip to Africa, I would be spending the rest of my life advocating and caring for the fatherless children of Lesotho. Spending two weeks at Beautiful Gate Lesotho Child Care Center not only introduced me to the needs of these fatherless children, but it introduced me to God’s will for my life. Since that trip in 2009, I have taken multiple trips back to Lesotho, some just for a few weeks, but also a four-month stay as well. Through every trip God revealed to me a little more of His plan and design for me. In each trip He gave me confidence by showing me how I can use the gifts He has given me, not only to bring hope to the children of Lesotho, but also to bring glory to His name. He asked and I said, “Use me.”

Because of this, I have accepted the position as North American Ambassador for Beautiful Gate Lesotho. This role will entail me living part of the year in Lesotho and part of the year in North America. While in Lesotho, I will be assisting the Director with the current day-to-day operations, working with teams that come to serve, and other public relation duties. While in the United States, I will be speaking at churches, with individuals and organizations, promoting and raising funds for Beautiful Gate Lesotho. I will also be hosting fund-raising opportunities for Beautiful Gate Lesotho as well as coordinating volunteer teams to serve at Beautiful Gate.

I am honored to serve the beautiful children in Lesotho, but I need your help to make this possible. The North American Ambassador for Beautiful Gate Lesotho is a faith-based salary. Please consider how you can help me defend and care for the fatherless children of Lesotho by supporting the mission God has given me.

I wonder...

It is 10pm. In just a few hours I need to be up and ready for work, but I can't seem to sleep. For the past few weeks I have been waking up from a dream. It is hard to describe. I am not even sure you could call it a dream. I am in bed, freezing...I am back in Africa. I hear dogs barking and people yelling in a language I can not understand. Oh how I wish I knew what they were saying. A smell fills my nose and I wake up, but I still smell it. I can't even describe in words how bad the odor is, but I can tell you what it is. It is the smell of a 3 day old child found at the bottom of a toilet pit. I have been home for 9 months and I still smell him. The first thing we did when he came to BG was given him a bath. Even though he was bathed with soap and lathered with Vaseline, I still smell the odor of the pit.

As I lay here tonight, I wonder...

I wonder if his mother kept her promise when I handed him back to her. She said she would not do it again.

I wonder if he is still alive, how big is he. He has to be around 10 months old. He was so small when he came to us. So fragile.

I wonder if he is healthy.

I wonder if he is loved in the way every child should be.

I wonder how big his smile is, or if he smiles.

I wonder about the children at the bottom of the pits that are never found.

I wonder a lot of things, and then I pray.

I pray his mom kept her promise.

I pray he is big.

I pray he his healthy.

I pray he is loved.

I pray for the children at the bottom of the pit who now sleep in the arms of Jesus.

I also pray that by me writing this, I can sleep a little tonight.

A Year Ago

There are some days when it feels like I left for Africa yesterday and there are some days when I feel like it happened 10 years ago, but the fact is, I left for Africa April 7, 2010. The past few weeks I have been reflecting a lot about my time at Beautiful Gate. While there I learned one very important lesson...Jesus is enough for me. While caring for the children, I saw joy. While seeing those who have NOTHING, I saw joy. While having everything striped away, I experienced joy. Joy that you can't describe unless you have walked through it. Joy that came with the pain of caring for a child that just wouldn't eat and was extremely thin, or caring for a child that spent their first 3 days of life at the bottom of a 6 foot deep toilet pit. But it was also a joy that came with seeing 10 children united with their family. Seeing 10 moms meet their kids and watching them love them. Joy that comes, when that child eats, or when the scares from the bugs and feces have healed. Joy that can only come through the Father. Living in Africa and proclaiming that Jesus is enough for me is just one side of the story, another huge side is coming home and discovering life is completely different and finding yourself questioning again, is Jesus enough. Since being home I have walked through a lot of journeys that brought pain, confusion and joy. Since being home, I have walked a journey similar to the one I experienced in Lesotho. You see, since being home, I feel like I have been striped away of everything that seemed right, again. There were no more children calling out my name every morning. No more children expecting me to make them breakfast, get them dress and play with them. No more children to look for me when they got hurt and needed someone to hold them. Also, since being home, relationships are different. I experienced it right away, but was hoping it would change. I feel distant from people that I was extremely close with. I feel alone in a large group of people and try to find away out of social gathering I used to crave to be invited to. In Africa, it was easy for me to say that Jesus was enough, because He was all I had. When I returned home, it got harder to experience God the way I did in Lesotho and because of that I became distant from the purpose of my four months in Africa. I became distant from God. Then something happened, I got sick. I started feeling bad in September, but didn't want to alarm anyone, so I toughed it out until I couldn't anymore and on January 12, I walked into Holland Hospital and had surgery, but also had some work done on my heart. God striped away relationships, and he striped away health and the chance to give birth to my children and I believe he wanted me to be reminded of the questioned he asked in Africa. "Am I enough for you?" My answer is Jesus, you are more than enough. So here I am a year later and I am still journeying. I still have days when my arms feel so empty and I feel like a hypocrite handing out a $5 beverage at work, when there are millions of children dying from dirty water. There are moments when my heart is so heavy and I feel so alone, that I just can't breathe, but then God's still voice comes in and some how I know it will be okay. When Jesus appear to Mary Magdalene after the resurrection, she was so excited. I imagine she felt like life was going to be like it was. Jesus was back and his ministry would begin again. But He had other plans. Life wouldn't be like it was, He was not going to stay this time, but His ministry would go on. His ministry lives through you and me. Every time you smile at someone, you share God's love. Every time you comfort someone, you share God's compassion. Every time you take a moment and realize you are not in control and the person who is, is telling you everything will be okay, you are saying, "Jesus, you are enough for me." Life has been different the past year. In everything I know Jesus is more than enough and I know that life will never be like it was before I left for Africa. Even though there are moments when I feel completely alone and question what is next, I am trusting that God has a plan, because I know...Jesus is enough.

New Life

Lately I have been thinking about "new life." You see, I have 2 big changes that are going to happen to me in the month of January, that will bring a lot of newness to my routine and outlook on life.

First, for the past few months I have had some health concerns arise. I have been able to "semi" hide it, but for the past 2 weeks that is not the case. I will try and make this short. 3 and a half years ago I had a large cyst on one of my ovaries that had to be surgically removed. I was told because of my age and health, that there was only a 10% chance it would come back. 2 years later, I found myself in the 10% and had another one just as big removed, but once again was told, I should be fine. A few months ago, I felt another one coming back. Because of some insurances issues, I had to wait a little while before I could have it checked out. My original doctor was very full and couldn't see me until February, so I did a lot of research and changed doctors. Monday I had an appointment with him and God's peace filled the room. He did some tests and we sat down for an hour and talked through my family history, my health history and my options. We both agreed that the best way to treat my case was to do a hysterectomy. I know it sounds pretty extreme, but if you have seen me the past 2 weeks you could tell the amount of pain I was living in and I was done with it. So surgery is schedule for January 12.

When I tell people about the surgery, they usually feel very sorry for me. I have to be honest, I am doing really well right now. God's peace has filled my heart and I know that this is best. I am sure there might be a day when all I want to do is destroy something, because of the brokenness I feel, but until then, I am living in the peace that surpasses our "flesh" thinking. People have been asking how it makes me feel, knowing I will never physically give birth to a child. The only thing I can say is that it makes me sadder thinking of the 46 kids I left at Beautiful Gate, some of whom are still waiting for their families, than for me to not physically have a child. Looking with my "big picture" eyes, I can see that one of the many reasons I spent 4 months in Africa was to see and become passionate about the beautiful picture of adoption. I will never have a child grow inside of me, but there are 46 kids who live in my heart, that I would love to find homes for.

Another change, is that I am going back to school. WHAT?!?!? I know shocking. I never liked school and studying never came easy for me, but God has placed some passions in my heart and I need to learn how to put them into practice. I will attending Grace Bible College pursuing my bachelor's degree in Church Leadership and Ministry. For many years, I always felt lead to youth ministry, but since being back from Africa, I am feeling directed in a different way. What that is I am not exactly sure of, but I pray these classes will help me discover that.

Good thing all my classes are online, because school starts 2 weeks after my surgery and the only thing I will be wearing at that point are very comfy clothes.

I appreciate all your prayers support through these changes. The best thing I have learned through the past few weeks (and years) is that we may go through changes, but Jesus never changes. He is the same today as He was the day I was born. He is the same today as He was when I was a mom in Africa and He will be the same when I walk through surgery and the long hours of studying. God is good...ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May you rediscover the goodness and newness of Christ this Holiday season!!!!!!

The Void

Ever since being home, I have been walking around with a void. I know God completes me and with Him guiding my way, I am not incomplete, but for some reason I have just felt like half a person. When I first got home, I called it "culture shock." Everyone warned me about how hard the transition was going to be and they were right it was hard, but I have been home a month and I still feel incomplete.

At first, it was when I was alone at home and surrounded by all the "stuff" of home that the feeling was very strong, but the past few weeks it has come up when when I am with others. The void has made my mind process things differently and because of that conversations I have had with people close to me have changed. On the outside I could be laughing, but my insides are very screwed up. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend about goals. I was able to say a few goals that I truly do have, but inside everything she said, my mind answered with "she isn't going to think your goal is good." or "how can I have a goal, because something inside of me is missing." I went home just feeling defeated. I feel like I can no longer have a conversation with my best friend without the lies of satan whispering in my ear. I feel like I can't even hang out with people, because an innocent conversation about nothing or everything, turns into me thinking something is really messed up in me. This void has made me want to distance myself from others.

Today I think I figured out what the void is. I miss serving others, every minute of every day. For 4 months, I was a mom, (the best form of a servant) I was the person that made the food, got kids dressed, played with them, taught them things, kissed their hurts and put them to bed. They ran to me for comfort, they got mad at me when I disciplined them, they wanted to play with me some days and other days wanted me no where near them. Today I took my 3 youngest nephews and niece with me while I ran some errands. It was so much fun to be out with kids and have people tell me how cute they are. On the way home, my 2 year old nephew fell asleep and would not wake up after I took him out of his car seat. He just snuggled in my arms and I felt the void get littler. I then knew what I was missing. I miss being a mom. I feel like part of me is gone, well 46 parts of me are gone actually. 46 parts that gave me purpose. I know some of you are know thinking, "is she going to adopt?" Not now. I LOVE adoption. I support adoption, and if God calls me down that road someday I will gladly walk the path. But if I adopted right now the child God gave me, would not fill the void I have.

Also since being home, I have jumped back into building relationships with the high school students at church and have become involved in some things that have allowed me to serve. I love serving. It makes my heart happy, but it doesn't fill the void.

This past Sunday I stood up in front of my church and challenged them to focus God's plan, to fix their eyes on the things that are not right in front of your face. We need to fix our eyes on what we cannot see, because that is what is eternal. (2 Cor 4) As I talked to them, I was also talking to myself. Right now I am journeying through a tough place, but I pray with expectation, that one day it will all make sense. One day I will understand the void that is in my heart. One day I will feel complete, and no human person can take that void away. Daily I have to remind myself that the void I am experiencing will only go away when I reach Heaven. I may try to fill the void with a person or a "project" but those things will not fill the void. The void is the fact, that I am not home. Heaven is my home and I will live in a void until my homecoming.

BUT I will live with JOY through the void, so more people can experience what TRUE love with our Father is all about. I choose to focus on the good through the days when the void is screaming at me and satan's lies are louder than God's whispers. I choose to walk in peace and in choosing this, I must be bold with my faith. I have to tell others that the voids that they may be walking through, are temporary. I must be bold and not shrink back.

I miss being a mom, I miss serving every second of everyday, but I know God has a plan and I am choosing to believe one day this feeling will go away and everything will make sense.

loosing me

One thing my time in Africa taught me was the process of loosing myself. I have to tell you that the process of loosing yourself can't be done in 4 months, it is a daily process where you have to surrender the person you created yourself to be and embrace the one God created you to be. Loosing yourself allows God to be in control and requires trust.

One thing that really stuck out to me with the children at BG was how much they trusted you. When you picked them up to hug them, they would snuggle into your arms and not let go. They trusted you to care for them, love them and simply just be with them. Now, because of their past, a lot of the children had a need to fight to survive, even though at BG they were completely taken care of. It was in those children that you claimed a huge victory when they trusted you. They too, were in a process of loosing who they created themselves to be due to horrible circumstances, rather than who God created them to be. When they ran up to me and yell, "ausey Boostina...knuckles," and put their little fist up, I celebrated. It was in those moments, that I felt God smiling on me.

I pray that I can continue to loose myself to Him daily. Honestly, I am having more culture shock coming back home, than I did going to Africa. Daily I am learning to let go my sense to fight, look up at my Abba Father and say, "knuckles."